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World
All fired up
Iranian missiles not a hit with Israel
Consternation has gripped the Middle East after Iran tested a new range of ballistic missiles. The weapons’ reported range is 1,242 miles, or approximately half a Middle East—‘Which is pretty handy if you’re in the middle, eh?!’ joked Iranian general General Bighouse, scratching his trigger finger.
news briefs
- Bank of England holds interest rates at 5% ‘because it worked so well last month’
- George Bush approves bill to allow continued White House phone taps: users of ’phone sex lines complain about continued ‘crackly connections’
- Leaders of the G8 have pledged to cut global emissions by 50% by 2050, but wouldn’t tell KTAB 50% of what. ‘It’s something really big,’ explained US diplomat Marvin Wilcox, ‘In fact, the bigger the thing we choose to ditch 50% of is, the bigger the cuts will have to be, right?!’
Politics
Road to ruin: Tories score cheap points over expensive tax
The Tories have pulled a thinly-veiled PR coup by accusing Gordon Brown of misleading the House over new road tax proposals now it’s transpired that, under the new system, owning a car will be almost as expensive as fuelling one.
Science & Technology
Apple of my i: iPhone fails to push the right buttons
To the squealing delight of those present, Steve Jobs—the hugely popular inventor of the cult adverts where two comedians pretended to be computers—has unveiled the successor to Apple’s touch-screen iPhone: the iPhone 3G, which takes its name from its ability to access the 3G, the high-capacity mobile network which was rolled out over Europe in 2003.
Business
Not building society: Banks admit high self-interest rates
As thousands of people today realised that their mortgages are currently costing them more than the value of their house, and as the government was forced to admit that more children and pensioners were living in poverty than this time last year, the financial sector today suggested it might be time ‘to start lending money responsibly.’ Maybe.