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Chilling Threat

Russia turns down heat on Ukraine

A gas hob
A Ukranian stove on Tuesday.

Russia finally ended its cutting of Ukrainian gas supplies today after agreeing that, yes, Ukraine could buy the gas at the Russian-proposed four-fold increase in price, even though it had taken a three-day cut in supplies to convince them that this was good value.

Ukraine initially objected to the rise, from around $50 to $230 per 1,000 cubic metres, which was proposed by Russian gas monopoly Gazprom to “bring prices for treacherous Europhile Ukraine’s supply in line with evil capitalist market prices for gas”.

Russia had threatened to cut off the gas in early August, but in the intervening months the engineers claimed that they had turned up and knocked on more then sixteen occasions, but Russia was never in at the time.

Gazprom, a transliteration of the Russian word for ‘greedy politically-motivated bastards’ said that the move was necessary in order to “justify mounting supply costs and teach those Capitalist-loving EU-pandering pig-dogs a lesson in sound economics”.

Average Ukranian housewife Marvina Wilcoxosivich told KTAB News what she thought of the crackdown: “I personally am very much against the crackdown, since it means my house is very cold. Since 2003 I have been employed as a nude naughty webcam girl, and it makes me all goosepimply, vich many of my customers do not like. During the three days when Russia had stupidly cut off the gas, the only punter who came to see me was some silly old pervert who calls himself ‘kremlin_stalker’ and, it would seem, has a goosepimply Ukranian fetish.”

Francis Bargle, Geopolitics professor at the University of Canford, is not optimistic about gas: “We can’t just go relying on one energy source; the Middle East has all the oil, the Russians have all the gas, the terrorists have all the uranium. All you can rely on these days is good, honest wood; it’s carbon neutral, burns if you pour petrol on it, and it grows on trees! Pity we cut all the trees down to make way for the Buncefield oil depot.”

After today’s return of supplies, the EU issued a statement warning Ukraine, saying “If you smell gas, be sure to call a qualified gas engineer and not to smoke, use any electrical items or light naked flames.”

In an unconventional move, Ukraine issued a statement back, saying “If we smell gas, we’re gonna find the leak, get us some balloons, and make a stockpile in case the Russians get stroppy again!”


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