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Iranians Look To Uranium

Iran asked to power down nuclear programme

lead shielding to reduce gamma ray leakage

Safety experts recommended replacing warning tape with signs saying “caution, international ire”

The International Atomic Energy Agency will convene in early February to decide whether or not Iran is allowed to continue its nuclear programme. The meeting, demanded by the international community, will decide whether or not to refer Iran to the UN Security Council.

Iran, meanwhile, maintains that it won’t use its civilian programme as a front to develop weapons, and that it needs nuclear power because it’s not like they’ve got loads of oil, or anything.

The USA is especially worried, fearing that Iran will develop nukes, making it impossible for America to invade Iranian territory next time the Republicans need a boost in the polls.

US national security advisor Condoleezza Rice addressed a press conference yesterday at which she explained American foreign policy in this issue.

“Basically,” she said, “We’ve been creating a bunch of fake intelligence reports which categorically prove that Iran bottle-fed Osama Bin Laden when he was a baby, and is thus a major threat to world peace. If they get themselves nukes, we can’t invade like we plan to, and that makes a right mess of it. Hell, even CNN would have a hard time putting a positive spin on our starting a nuclear war, although Fox News wouldn’t have so much of a problem.”

“I bet Iran isn’t so keen on having nukes if they’re American ones blowing the crap out of them!” she added, before noticing the microphone was still on.

If referred to the Security Council, Iran could face sanctions from the international community. However, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad remains defiant. “We might not be a superpower, but we’d sure like the bomb so we can become one! Following America’s fine lead, the other thing superpowers seem to do is totally ignore the UN. I mean, it’s going to be a fortnight before they even have a meeting to decide whether or not to have a meeting about sanctions! Even then, I figure we can just say that Saddam Hussein can nuke us in 45 minutes, and then we get to do what the Hell we like. Yeah?”


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