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Taken From Behind

Sir Ming sneaks up on trailing rivals

Sir Menzies Campbell MP

Sir Ming was voted ‘Virile Hetro Macho Man of the Year’ in a recent ‘guess my ideal nick-name’ competition

There was consternation in the Commons early today, as Sir Menzies Campbell, intrim leader of the Liberal Democrats, issued a statement revealing the dull truth about his love life: he isn’t gay, and he’s never had sex with a rent boy.

Ming is a favourite amongst MPs and himself to become the next leader of the Liberal Democrats in a leadership contest which has been fraught with suspicion and backstabbery ever since former leader Charles Kennedy was deposed after admission of an alcohol problem.

Sir Menzies rapidly assumed control of the party until a better leader could be appointed, and several front-benchers announced their candidacy.

Mark Oaten, former shadow home affairs spokesman, was forced to step down as a candidate after failing to garner enough support, and then left the shadow cabinet after revelations in News of the World that he’d slept with a rent boy. The tabloid described this as “an act too terrible to describe”, which gutter journalists have now deciphered as “standing against Menzies Campbell”.

Simon Hughes, another contender, announced yesterday that he had sex with other men, although he added that he hoped this would not damage his campaign, and that there were an unspecified number of men who he knew would vote Lib Dem at the next general election.

This leaves Chris Huhne, the token unheard-of backbencher, and Sir Menzies, who has spent most of the campaign pointing out that there is no hard evidence to link him to any of his rivals, today announcing that he is neither gay, drunk, nor remotely liberal.

“Vote me in!” he implored, “Look at Cameron and Blair, young upstart and ex-young-upstart. We don’t need fresh blood to revitalise the party, that’s exactly what the voters will be expecting! And now the Tories have moved to the centre with Tony, we need to sweep up all the alienated UKIP voters with a hint of the people who thought that Galloway was cool because he opposed Iraq but then saw him on Big Brother.”

Meanwhile, back at Lib Dem HQ in London, Lembit Opik is rumoured to be installing a condom machine for the next racy leadership race, predicted for whenever Ming is forced to step down after a rioting hoard of gay rights activists steal his glasses.

 

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