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Schoolboy Error

Blair dobbed in over school reforms

a chemistry lab seen through some safety specs

The government has been accused of looking at education through unpopular-policy screening spectacles

Tony Blair has defended his proposed schools shake-up, explaining that the system is “not working well enough”, and he believes that, better than improving it, he should change it.

However, his plans have been widely criticised by Labour backbenchers and, in the face of hostility, criticism and, most importantly, the threat of a career-finishing rebellion, Blair has once again tweaked his plans so that they’re now satisfactory to no-one.

The Tories, who are in favour of the original white paper, say that they will vote the bill through parliament as long as it maintains this spirit. “Who needs your turncoat backbenchers,” asked David Cameron, “When you’ve got reliable me and my super-electable New Tory MPs over here?”

Labour backbenchers fear even the watered-down proposals signal a return to the successful grammar school system. Clare Timkins, MP for Kemptonshire North, told KTAB News “If we let schools specialise too much and manage their own admissions, they might decide to specialise in teaching clever kids, and that would be a disaster for all the less academic kids who could end up not being forced through university and becoming something useful to society but demoralising, like a plumber.”

John Prescott, who famously failed his eleven-plus - while his brother passed and was given a new bicycle - has made a public retraction of an earlier statement expressing concern over the plans, seen by many as a transparent publicity stunt since the U-turn comes without any especial change in policy.

Pundits asked how the Deputy PM was persuaded to issue this retraction, but understanding dawned soon after the unforgettable spectacle of Mr Prescott proudly wheeling a shiny new Raleigh Metro GLX out of the back of his famous ministerial Jaguar, riding unsteadily over the pavement on it, and chaining it to a lamp-post for the rest of the day.

Rebel MPs are now said to be “fairly happy” with the reforms proposed by Blair, resulting in their tacit agreement to allow the bill to be passed and save the PM from another humiliating defeat.

When told his reformed bill might get through parliament in spite of the large Labour majority, Tony Blair told KTAB News “Hooray! Everyone’s a winner! Except Ruth Kelly.”


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