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Peer Review

Questions asked after "cash for peerage"

a cheque for lots of money made out to The Labour Party

A donation of £1 million could train at least 500 teachers, enabling them to give desperate African children the skills they need to lead a better life. Or, you could buy a peerage for your “tireless services to charity”

After a narrow victory on his education bill, Tony Blair was saved awkward questions about it being carried by the Tories by instead taking awkward questions on why Labour’s biggest donors all seem to get nominated for peerages.

The three businessmen snuck in through a loophole which allows political parties, who are forced to declare all donations above £5,000, to accept loans of any amount from anyone without making them public. They each loaned Labour between one and two million pounds, unbeknownst to the general public, the House of Lords Appointments Commission or Jack Dromey, the Labour party treasurer.

“They might’ve told me!” Mr Dromey rambled to any journalist who would listen, “I mean, I’m the bloody treasurer, I shouldn’t have to do the books based on accusations in the papers a few months later!”

“He might’ve noticed!” countered Francis Bargle, treasurer of the Association of Professional Treasurers, whose slogan is ‘Treasure Your Treasurers’, “Three seven-figure cash injections at election time and Dromey doesn’t bat an eyelid?”

An investigation launched by KTAB News into the scandal has revealed that the Prime Minister may have been less than honest when he told reporters that “the buck stops with me.” KTAB can reveal that, far from the buck stopping with him, the PM is busily arranging for it to never get within a hundred yards, unless he needs to take credit for it.

“It’s typical of Blair,” spat disillusioned Labour voter and small-time photographer Roger Bighouse, “He never takes responsibility for his own mistakes. I gave Labour ten grand three years ago, and I’m still waiting for my MBE. Only when I asked Tony about it last week, he said it was all under control and I’d get it in a week or so. Well I bloody won’t now, will I?”

However, not everyone was keen to put the boot into Blair whilst he was down. David Cameron, this week’s leader of the Conservative Party, told a press conference “It’s always very hard at the top, and I think everyone should be just a bit kinder to Mr Blair in these trying times. He just let us vote in a bunch of ill-planned education reforms, and I think it’s very nice of him to allow the Conservatives to actually pass a bit of legislation for a change. It’s really got morale up in Tory HQ.”

Blair has promised that this latest scandal will lead to reform, with Labour promising to declare all future loans just before the journalists uncover them, together with the possible removal of party leaders’ power to recommend peers; “That’ll be one in the eye for Gordon!” he chuckled.

 

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