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Ho ho d'oh

Lost post before Christmas

Santa skiing not in Panama

Police have arrested this builder from Warrington, and charged him with stealing Santa’s credit card details.|photo: Wikipedia

A red-faced and somewhat less-than-jolly government spokesman today confessed that Santa had lost the records of 1.2 million boys and girls in the third government-loses-records debacle in the space of a month.

The data were lost by a courier en route to the Home Office, having been burnt to DVD and sent by unrecorded post by a junior elf, and include all the surveillance data kept by the government in order to assess eligibility for gifts during the season of goodwill: statistics on behaviour, number of lies told to parents, and incidents of stealing siblings’ sweets.

‘The fact that junior officials have apparently unrestricted access to intrusive information on every citizen in the United Kingdom is pretty worrying,’ explained privacy advocate Claire Timkins, ‘The government need to be very careful to avoid data like these - which include the diameter of every residential chimney in the UK, and alternative points of entry for houses without a flue - falling into the hands of burglars, thieves, or ex-lovers bent on violent revenge.’

Francis the elf, an elf working for Santa, was keen to reassure the public: ‘All of the lost records contain biometric details,’ he explained, ‘So, just like ID cards, they act as a complete key to your genetic identity. Nobody but you can use them, unless they’ve got a barcode reader, some of that dust they use in cop shows (or flour, at a pinch) and a computer connected to the Internet.’

The Home Office has admitted that several MPs are among those affected by this blunder. Lib Dem MP Chris Huhne - who narrowly lost his party’s leadership race this week to colleague Nick Clegg - told KTAB News ‘I’m very hurt by this mistake. I personally asked Santa for 520 more supporters. I’d’ve been leader by now if it wasn’t for this.

‘I have been a very good boy this year,’ he added.

Gordon Brown allegedly asked Santa for two CDs of child benefit data and a hard drive containing learner drivers’ details, though voters were distinctly unsure as to whether the shifty Scotsman had been naughty or nice in his six months of premiership.

 

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