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EUnuchs

Labour lack balls for Lisbon referendum

The House of Commons, 1808

The Europe debate has been a staple in the House of Commons for some time. |painting: Wikipedia

The Tories today tried to take Labour to task over breaking manifesto promises, recommending that MPs vote for a referendum about the sexed-down EU constitution.

‘It’s a simple matter of principle,’ explained an irate Gordon Brown, earlier today. ‘We should only call a referendum if the resulting laws will make a significant change to the balance of power between Europe and the United Kingdom. Everyone knows that what we said in our manifesto is irrelevant! We’re politicians, for God’s sake, not the Promise Police!’

The Conservatives, Labour and the Liberal Democrats all included the EU vote in their manifestos, one of several identical policies under the general heading of ‘slide to homogeneous centre-right UK party politics’.

The Lib Dems managed to both ignore the spirit of their manifesto and kick up a fuss, demanding a referendum on the UK being an EU member at all meaning that, in today’s vote, Lib Dem MPs were asked to abstain, so as to avoid ‘confusing people by doing something.’

Meanwhile, Marvin Wilcox, a fundraiser for UKIP, made famous by their patented ‘Do Not Want!’ approach to international co-operation, told KTAB ‘Our party whip would tell all our members to vote in whichever way will annoy the Europeans the most, if only we had any MPs.’ KTAB was unable to find a UKIP MP to comment.

KTAB News conducted a survey on the streets of Market Pickton. We asked ‘what does the Lisbon Treaty mean to you?’

‘It’s something to do with getting an EU president, losing our veto on things like what food we eat and what language we speak, and losing all our constitutional rights,’ explained taxi driver Roger Bighouse. When KTAB explained that we don’t exactly have a constitution, Bighouse swore, shook his fist, and set light to an England flag, shortly followed by calling the fire brigade because his back seat and two passengers were on fire.

In spite of protests by the opposition and the general public, the move to force a referendum was rejected by MPs. Celebrations at Number 10 were cut short after the Prime Minister was detained by the Promise Police, currently investigating allegations that he accepted party donations in exchange for honours, but then failed to keep his side of the bargain.

 

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