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10p tax banned

Policy change as penny finally drops

A ten pence piece

No longer a tax bracket and not accepted in payphones, the 10p piece is now only useful for pelting at treasury employees

The government has announced that it will review the winners and losers of its alteration of income tax rates after it became apparent that the biggest losers would be them, in the local elections this week.

‘We’ve got councillors who are going to see their pay drop by 100% if we can’t re-kindle some public support,’ moaned local Labour leader Francis Bargle, ‘So I don’t know what all these idiots on less than eighteen grand a year who stand to lose a few hundred quid are moaning about.’

A raft of measures is being considered to obfuscate the decision-making process and thus stave off any negative impact for the soon-to-be–ex-councillors, including giving some rebates to the biggest losers, but Labour MPs are looking equally concerned, with a disastrous general election further away but no less inevitable than the local ones on May 1st. Marvin Wilcox, a Labour back-bencher who met with Gordon Brown last week, told KTAB about his struggle to overturn the tax change: ‘I have been put in a very difficult position by this policy,’ he explained ‘in the sense that I have known it was going to happen for ages, but I didn’t do anything about it, because none of my constituents looked cross. Now the whole of Market Pickton West is up in arms, and I have to publicly criticise my own boss in the vague hope they’ll put me back in power.’

  1. {winners} = {income ≥ £18,000} ∪ ({income ∈ £ℝ} ∩ {age ≥ 65}) ∪ ({income ∈ £ℝ} ∩ {nyoung children > 0})
  2. {losers} = ({income < £18,000} ∩ {age < 25}) ∪ ({income < £18,000} ∩ {hours/week < 35}) ∪ {retired early} ∪ {Gordon Brown}
a set theorist

KTAB went on a fact-finding mission to establish which of Mr Wilcox’s constituents should be the most pissed off.

‘Apart from the rich,’ explained Claire Timkins, a PriceWaterhouseCooper consultant, ‘the winners are those on under £18,000 who are either 65+, or have young children. The losers are the under-25s, those working less than 30 hours a week, or under-25s working less than 30 hours a week, who are really screwed. I mean, I’m only 23, and I’m on fifty grand at a prestigious city consultancy firm!’

So far, Mr Brown is claiming that his change of policy from ‘Are there no poorhouses?’ to ‘We will give financial assistance to these people, backdated to the introduction of this frankly terrible policy’ does not constitute a U-turn, and that the backbench cries of ‘Gordon, just pull a bloody u-ie, already!’ did not influence his decision.

 

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