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Apple of my i

iPhone fails to push the right buttons

An old telephone, from 1896

’Phones with no buttons are coming back into fashion

photograph: Wikipedia

To the squealing delight of those present, Steve Jobs—the hugely popular inventor of the cult adverts where two comedians pretended to be computers—has unveiled the successor to Apple’s touch-screen iPhone: the iPhone 3G, which takes its name from its ability to access the 3G, the high-capacity mobile network which was rolled out over Europe in 2003.

Apple’s latest incarnation of the gadget comes with Global Positioning System receiver built in, meaning that iPhone users can now answer ‘Hi, where are you?’ with something other than ‘I’m with my iPod Shuffle, my Macbook Pro and my heightened sense of self-worth through brand loyalty.’

The original iPhone, which came out in the UK in November 2007, sold well in the Christmas rush, with a significant proportion of sadists deliberately buying one so they could laugh at Granny’s confusion as she tried to sew on some buttons. The new model, which also features a scientific calculator and a flush headphone socket, is being touted for a release date that will catch out all the original iPhone’s early adopters on 18-month contracts. ‘It’s tough, because we either alienate the fanboys,’ Jobs told the press, ‘or we adopt a Microsoft-pace innovation rate.’

‘It just goes to show why Apple are whipping our asses at marketing,’ mumbled a Microsoft marketing guy who didn’t bother to give KTAB his name, ‘They got thirty seconds of rapturous applause for calling it the iPhone 3G, when we’d’ve called it the Microsoft Office Phone Vista, Service Pack 1.’


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