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ConCERNs allayed

Quark quacks’ apocalypse claims go up in big bang

Brian Cox of D:Ream

Brian Cox, not being interviewed

photograph: Wikipedia

All around the world, doomsayers, false prophets, and people who didn’t bother to put that money back in the pension fund because ‘What’s the point of anything?’ have been left baffled today, as the proposed apocalypse failed to happen. To find out why, KTAB sent a reporter out to interview particle physicist Professor Francis T. Bargle.

So, what happened today at CERN?

Well, all these media boys turned up. I was making coffee at the time, and I came back out of the break room and had to wade through a bunch of scruffs who kept trying to nick the sugar bowl!

Yes, but what about the experiment?

I don’t know what the fuss is about, really. It’s just another step along the calibration process: we’ve lobbed a beam of protons around the ring to check that it’s all working. I said to ’em: ‘This is just like starting the car, not actually crashing it into another car of the same make,’ but they wouldn’t listen.

But isn’t there a risk that CERN could destroy the Earth?

Of course there isn’t. All this flim-flam about micro-black-holes and strangelets is overblown pseudoscientific claptrap. In the words of particle physicist Brian Cox, ‘Anyone who thinks the LHC will destroy the world is a twat.’ And, before becoming a physicist, he was the keyboardist for D:Ream, the band behind New Labour’s ’97 comeback anthem Things can only get better, so he should know a twat when he sees one!

What’s the worst thing that could happen?

Well, we might find the Higgs.

But isn’t that the God Particle you’re looking for?

It’s not a ‘God particle’. It’s the Higgs boson. And if we find it then all of particle physics will be proved correct. Once the champagne’s drunk, the balloons have gone down and the Nobel prizes have been handed out, you can expect a lot of needlessly well-qualified people down at your local Jobcentre Plus.

So… You don’t want to find the God Boson, then?

Of course we don’t! If we find it, we’re stuffed. If it, er, happens not to be there, somehow, we can plug the dark matter angle, make like there’s a whole Universe which still needs exploring, and put in for a grant for a particle accelerator the size of the Earth!


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