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Republicans blue as 52% of US unites behind Obama

The USA all coloured in blue.

Results in detail: 50 states, 123,581,428 votes, two serious options, one president.

map: Wikipedia

In a decade-defining moment, the United States of America this week elected its first Democrat president for almost eight years.

President-elect Barack Obama netted a staggering 6.1% more votes than Republican rival John McCain, which was amplified to an awe-inspiring 115% victory in the electoral college by what American pundit Francis T. Bargle called the ‘magnifying glass of healthy democracy’.

‘To all these pinkos wobbling on about proportional representation, I say paaahhh!’ explained Bargle, who had stayed up all night watching the count come in, ‘What do they want us to do, chop Obama’s legs off and replace them with McCain’s?’

In conceding his defeat, John McCain was widely congratulated for his noble and statesmanlike speech, which was marred only slightly by the accidental unveiling of an enormous ‘PALIN 2012’ banner right behind his head.

World leaders have rushed to congratulate the hopeful young president-elect, variously describing him on the KTAB message boards as ‘An embodiment of progressive values,’ (Gordon Brown, UK), ‘The good kind of infidel pig-dog, at least compared to the others’ (Mohammed Wilcox, unknown location) and ‘That one at the podium, and I got me a clean shot’ (Sarah P., Alaska).

Meanwhile, as George W. Bush congratulated Obama on his historic victory, sensitive mics picked up the crackle of flames and the whirring of shredders as the Bush administration hurriedly began the process of cleaning out the filing cabinet in readiness for Obama’s arrival in January.

Election in statistics

  • Barack Obama will be the first Muslim President of the United States of America. (Source: Fox News)
  • If you stapled all the ballots cast end-to-end, you would need 123,581,427 staples.
  • If you stapled all the electoral college members end-to-end, they would be pissed off.

However, those hoping that the election of a relatively liberal President will bring America’s attitudes back in line with the rest of the first world may well be disappointed: the only things to score a higher percentage of the vote than Obama this Tuesday were a series of separate homophobic referenda in the states of California, Florida and Arizona, where banning gay marriage beat Obama’s national score.

‘I really hate Bush,’ explained Floridian voter Dimpled Chad, ‘but I’m darned if I’m gonna vote in a blackie for Commander in Chief, and then pro-poof on the same day, my ma will think I’ve gone soft.’


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