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No Pope for gays

Pontiff loves all men…but not like that

the Pope in an implausible Santa hat

The Pope was especially pleased with his present from the Cardinals: his very own Emperor Palpatine costume

The Pope, desperate to assert his sexuality because he spends so much time in a dress, hit out at gays, transsexuals, bisexuals, transvestites, and people who think it's OK to be any of those things in a scathing festive address to high-ranking Catholics.

Benedict XVI told the Vatican's governing curia that the enormous threat posed by alternative sexualities is comparable to the destruction of the rainforests. ‘The carbon footprint of an average queer lifestyle are much greater than the heterosexual equivalent. All those extra-thick condoms, all the extra food they consume for that constant flouncing and mincing, and their habit of breathing really fast while they gossip really takes a toll on the environment,’ he argued.

He added ‘The tropical forests do deserve our protection too, though. Unless they contain any of those man-on-man–shagging bonobo apes. Little gay fuckers. They'll be the first against the wall when the revelation comes.’

‘Catholics believe that, whilst it is not immoral to be homosexual, homosexual acts are against God’s law,’ explained theologian Rev Dr Roger Bighouse, ‘Just like stealing, really: it’s OK to really want to nick something, but of course “thou shalt not steal”. Hang on, isn’t really wanting the same as coveting thy neighbour’s ass? Christ, this religion is complicated!’

The Pope was visibly slow to condemn paedophilia, however. ‘Great theologians…described matrimony [as] the lifelong bond between a man and a woman…a sacrament of Creation,’ he explained in his address, ‘But they don't say anything about their ages, do they?!’

Gay groups suggested that Pope Benedict should consider going to a tropical forest with a load of hunky body-builders, and see how long he holds out.


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