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Heathrow heath row

Protestors landing land lands landing land in trouble

Alistair McGowan, standing in front of the airplot plot

Alistair McGowan stands in front of the plot of land, doing an impression of someone who cares about the environment

Amid mounting desperation from anyone with common sense, protestors from environmental group Greenpeace have purchased a small plot of land in the proposed third runway site. The land will be sold in smaller pieces to people around the World, utterly defeating the corporations involved and the British government in what is being hailed as the greatest display of people power since John Sergeant’s triumphant victory on Strictly Come Dancing.

The legal ramifications of the land grab are unclear. Should a compulsory purchase order be used by developers, the government will have to individually contact all of the named owners, which Greenpeace hopes will be a convoluted and expensive process.

However, since the land is not in the path of the proposed runway, BAA bigwigs are looking into the possibility of simply leaving it as a small, muddy atrium in the middle of the terminal building. ‘There is a legal question about whether we will be obliged to provide the hundreds or thousands of owners with access,’ said executive Roger Bighouse, ‘To which the answer is “Helicopters, it’s a bloody airport!”’

The land is on the outskirts of condemned village Sipson, which lies directly underneath the proposed terminal building. Government aide Claire Timkins met with protestors today, telling them ‘I don’t see why you’re all complaining about having your houses knocked down. We were going to reposess them anyway!

‘However,’ she continued, ‘as a concession to the friendly voters of Sipson, we will be offering everyone who used to live on the site first dibs for any jobs as baggage handlers that come up at the new terminal. You just have to promise you won’t be all petty and start directing all my suitcases to Zimbabwe. Deal?’

Members of the public can now sign up as ‘beneficial owners’ on the Greenpeace website. Restaurant owner Francis Bargle has been one of the first to sign up for some of the land. ‘Great. Now I can fly-tip legally,’ he said, piling food waste in a teetering 1 cm2 tower in the middle of his plot before committing three hundred separate acts of trespass on the walk back to his car.

 

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