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UN cooked


white phosphorous

Israel assured the UN that this was simply a consignment of flour aid which exploded in mid-air

In what they hope to be a knockout blow to Gaza’s Hamas leadership, the Israeli Defence Force have managed to kill interior minister Said Siyad, damaging only three hospitals, killing only six other people, giving rise to mild threats of retaliation, and using only ever-so-slightly illegal white phosphorous (WP) munitions to set fire to a key UN humanitarian aid depot in the process.

UN relief efforts in Gaza have been seriously hampered by the wholesale destruction of the warehouse, which was full of food and medical supplies. Israeli spokesmen have apologised for the attack, telling KTAB ‘We thought there was a cockroach! And that strange white powder definitely wasn’t white phosphorous, it was DDT. Next you’ll be telling me that we’re not allowed to use that.’

This is the second time that the Israel Defense Forces have attacked the internationally-recognised humanitarian efforts of the UN; earlier this month they launched a co-ordinated airstrike on a UN School, which they said had been occupied by Palestinian militants launching rockets into Israeli territory. It was later revealed that the school was occupied by schoolchildren, and that the Israelis had plotted the trajectory of the hostile rockets using an out-of-date Boy’s Own Atlas and a wooden ruler with a crack down the middle.

The UN strongly condemned Israel’s actions, the closest thing possible to opening fire with their own WP shells. A proposal has been put forward by Syria suggesting that a coalition of the willing throw paperclips at Israel’s UN representative, and then give him a really hard form to fill out.

Israeli General Moishe Wilcox told KTAB News, ‘We can’t pull out until we’re sure we’ve done everything we can do to ensure that Gaza is so badly damaged they have to use all their weapons as rudimentary shelter. And after all that trouble with cluster bombs after Lebanon in 2006, we’re wondering if we can just replace any manhole covers we’ve destroyed with landmines on our departure. International law allows for the reconstruction of infrastructure, right?’


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