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West Banks on peace

Israeli assault Hamas Gaza

an Israeli Doher M109 firing

Israel has long objected to the way Hamas terrorists stick potatoes up their exhaust pipes

photograph: Wikimedia Commons

Western leaders have been quick to condemn the continuing campaigns of violence from both Israel and Hamas, asking that they discuss their differences rationally, like children, instead of acting like a bunch of stroppy adults with an army and missiles.

Hamas, the confusingly homonymous terrorist organisation and political party, have goaded Israel with years of ineffectual but annoying rocket attacks, and not preventing its terrorist namesake from launching rocket attacks, respectively. This resulted in Israel launching a massive campaign of aerial bombardment and, when that only made the rocketing worse, an enormous ground assault which has now resulted in more Israeli casualties than Hamas has ever managed.

An Israeli tank killed four Israeli soldiers in northern Gaza on Tuesday, making its shell nearly 1000× deadlier than an average Hamas rocket.

Middle East envoy Tony Blair is thought to be sorting it all out behind the scenes with his trademark low-key leadership. ‘Hamas can deploy rockets at Israel within forty-five minutes, so you can see why they feel threatened,’ he explained, ‘and I’ve got the documents to prove it! Hey, can I borrow your pen?’

French president Nicolas Sarkozy has met with Israeli prime minister Ehud Olmert to demand a ceasefire. Terms of the French deal are reported to require Israel giving aid agencies access to the Gaza Strip, promises from Hamas that rocket attacks will cease, and a set of naughty photos of Carla Bruni for leaders on both sides.

Amid criticism that the 30:1 kill ratio is not a ‘proportionate response’ in line with international law, Israeli General Marvin Wilcox complained ‘It’s not fair, just because their weapons are crap! Are we supposed to have some kind of handicap or something?’

PM Olmert told reporters that the conflict in Gaza would not cease until Israel had completely wiped out Hamas’s ability to fire rockets into Israel. A Palestinian militant speaking to KTAB News said that that was the one thing he and the Israeli prime minster could agree on.


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