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Guantá-no-more

Policy roll-Baracks in busy first week

Bush & Obama having a chat in the Oval Office

‘First, George, I’m closing Guantánamo, but then these chairs have to go.’

photo: Wikipedia

President-elected Barack Obama has left heads spinning, having reverted or fundamentally altered many of his predecessor’s policies. Presidential aide Claire Timkins told KTAB: ‘It didn’t actually take that much effort. The Bush administration had turned policies so far to the right that they were almost at 180º anyway.’

The President’s first move was a promise to shut US summer camp Guantánamo Bay, as well as crack down on extraordinary rendition centres around the World. Questions have been raised about the ultimate fate of the released prisoners. Some may face being sent back to home countries with poor human rights records. ‘This is normally a thorny situation in international law,’ explained human rights lawyer Francis T. Bargle, ‘But in this case it’s pretty easy, because wherever you send them, be it Belgium or back in time to Saddam’s Iraq, it’s got to be better than Guantánamo!’

After fears that the erroneous word order ‘I will execute the office of President faithfully’ might allow him to unilaterally declare war on a foreign state in contravention of international law, Obama went through a second inauguration to ensure that his faithfulness would come up front, unlike Democratic predecessor Bill Clinton’s. As a sign of movement away from the Christian right, the second oath did not include a Bible. A source close to the President said ‘Mr Obama wants to be inclusive. However, gays elect Democrats, and Democrats govern evangelicals. But evangelicals beat gays. It’s a bit like the rock, paper, scissors of political expedience.’

In foreign policy, US Defence Secretary Robert Gates said that the US would continue to ‘go after al-Qaeda wherever al-Qaeda is’, adding ‘and if someone knows where wherever is, that will make it easier for us to go there.’

Gates also longed to achieve ‘an Afghan people who…reject the rule of the Taleban and support the legitimate government that they elected and in which they have a stake’, forgetting that those people who support the Taleban are probably not in favour of the legitimate government of Kabul, in common with the rest of the country who have yet to hear the election result over the noise of the explosions. Plans to rename the capital ‘Afghanistan’, and the rest of the country ‘Bush’s fault’ are under consideration according to a document leaked to KTAB.

President Obama also stated that the Muslim world is not America’s enemy, but that they must make moves towards accepting democracy and friendly diplomacy. ‘As I said in my inauguration speech, if countries like Iran are willing to unclench their fist, they will find an extended hand from us,’ Obama told news network Al-Arabiya. Iran is reported to be trying to unclench its fist, but has asked if it is allowed to put it behind its back first.

‘This democracy thing doesn’t seem that great; kind of unstable, actually. One month ago, America was ready to bomb us, now they want to come for tea. I prefer our consistent philosophy,’ said Iranian flag vendor Mohammed Wilcox, adding ‘Roll up, roll up, burning American flags, get ’em while they’re hot!’

 

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