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Labour’s three will
Government gives green light to ungreen runway
Al-Qaeda demolition experts recommend that flying a plane into Sipson would be the quickest way to flatten it, as well as proving that a runway there would be a good idea
In the wake of the success at Terminal 5, the UK government has approved a third runway and sixth terminal to upgrade Heathrow from World’s busiest airport to definitely World’s busiest airport, no contest, by 2020.
Transport secretary Geoff Hoon attempted to defuse anger from environmental groups by promising that the new runway will adhere to three inviolable conditions:
- The new improved capacity will not actually be used, reducing environmental damage.
- Only the greenest aircraft will be allowed to use the new runway, allowing air traffic control to route even more of the dirtier planes to other runways, or Stansted.
- Bringing aviation in line with other industries, which will have to cut their carbon emissions to 20% of 1990 levels by 2050, aviation will need to slash its pollution to 100% of 2005 levels by the same date.
The government claims it has adjudicated in a delicate balance between the interests of commerce and the environment. ‘The problem is difficult to attack statistically as you can’t build half a runway,’ explained economist Dr Francis Bargle of LSE, ‘We got some PhD students to do the maths, and it turns out that, for the optimum benefit to both economy and ecosystem, we should build −0.84 of a third runway. Geoff Hoon seems to have rounded this up to one. And ignored the minus sign.’
‘The business case for the new runway is watertight,’ countered Department for Transport spokesman Marvin Wilcox, ‘BAA are going to make an absolute packet! And they’ve promised that we, the government, can start raking in revenue from all the duty-free goods which transit passengers buy on their way through. Hang on…’
In a misguided attempt to soften up the greenies, ministers have promised a new high-speed rail link, which is expected to cut up to four flights a year from showy gits who would normally take a private jet to London City Airport.
The Lib Dems, the Tories and at least fifty Labour MPs all promise to scrap the plans should they get a whiff of power come the next general election. Instead, they would see a better integrated rail transport system in the UK reducing the need for domestic flights. ‘We oppose this project on principle,’ explained Tory Roger Bighouse. ‘That principle being we think we’ve got a shot at the next election thanks to this. But then, we said that after the illegal war in Iraq; the ID cards; the draconian anti-terror legislation…’
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