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Israelis diss proportionality

Palestine Is-raeling against reprisals

Israeli PM Ehud Olmert gesticulates wildly in São Paulo in 2005

Asked to comment on the UK refinery walk-outs, Olmert said ‘Racist strikes?! I’ll give you racist strikes!’

photo: Wikipedia

Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert has promised Hamas a ‘disproportionate’ response to any rocket attack ‘because a proportionate one would be to push over a wall, which is both a waste of time, and a really dangerous precendent. Get away from my fence with that drill!!’

Once again condemning the Israeli government’s response, UN Secretary General Ban-ki Moon said, ‘we must keep this fighting proportionate. I therefore declare that Israel should get one free slap in return.’ Hamas leaders were heard whining in the background: ‘They always paint their conkers in varnish,’ grumbled one.

Israel is said to be considering exploiting a mathematical loophole in international law, where its responses would be allowed to be inversely proportional to the Palestianian onslaught. ‘If they launch a rocket attack and surprise an old lady, we are fully within our rights to kick the living shit out of them,’ explained Israeli lawyer Moishe Wilcox, ‘But if they stop launching attacks, my calculator throws a divide by zero error, which I think means we’re allowed, or possibly legally obliged, to use our entire GDP to nuke them into the stone age. Or, given the humanitarian situation which already exists there, possibly slightly before.’

Meanwhile, Palestinian lawyers and British politics undergraduates with ideas above their station have been applying to the International Criminal Court to have Israeli officials arrested and tried for war crimes. ‘Firstly, Israel doesn’t recognise the authority of the ICC,’ explained Wilcox, ‘And secondly, I refer you to that bit about the nuclear missiles I said just now.’

BBC News News, the meta-journalistic arm of Auntie, has continued to publicly agonise over the BBC’s decision not to broadcast an appeal for humanitarian aid in Gaza from the Disasters Emergency Committee, a conglomerate of UK charities. ‘It is certainly wrong for the BBC to be political,’ explained BBC Director General Michael Grade, ‘But a good, self-eating domestic controversy is surely far more newsworthy than the suffering of thousands in Gaza, or indeed in any of the other many crisis zones around the World.’

However, Claire Timkins from the DEC hit back at the Beeb: ‘The BBC’s coverage of the coverage of their non-coverage of the disaster in Gaza is drawing attention away from the non-coverage of the issue. Is that right? No, wait…’


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