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Nutt E Professor

Drugs moralising leaves Smith hoarse

ecstasy tablets

Police fear the latest threat in Britain’s clubs is the almost undetectable invisible ecstasy, bottom right

Government drugs advisor Professor David J Nutt has been forced to apologise by the Home Secretary for correctly observing that riding a horse is significantly more dangerous than popping pills at a disco.

Nutt examined the relative risks of horse riding and ecstasy abuse, and found the former to be far more dangerous. However, concerns were raised that his paper, published in The Journal of Psychopharmacology a month ago, would cause great offence to the large numbers of ecstasy-bereaved families who have the publication delivered to their doorstep by local newsagents. One ecstasy-addled teenager whom KTAB cannot name because he didn’t understand the question, hollered ‘DJ Nutt? Think I’ve heard him. He lays down some phat tunes,’ before performing what he thought was a double somersault and giggling.

Touted as the anti-drug lobby’s heroine, Smith admonished the professor like Alistair Darling might tick off a banker, and told him to say sorry to families who had lost loved ones through ecstasy—though she failed to make the symmetric apology to the relatives bereaved due to equestrianism.

Marvin Wilcox, whose son died whilst skydiving on a horse, both him and the horse buzzing on a good E, was not offended at all. ‘My son was clearly a total idiot,’ he explained, ‘He’d done it before, he knew the risks, I said to him, I said “Michael, skydiving is one thing, but on a fucking horse?! Do the math.” He did it anyway. Let’s be adults here, it’s not Professor Nutt’s fault that people die. And if we can learn anything from my son’s experience, it’s that Jacqui Smith should get off her high horse.’

When asked to comment on the fact that, statistically, two people in the UK would have died from alcohol-related conditions during the two hours she spent roasting Nutt, Smith replied ‘Don’t try that kind of emotional manipulation. We’re talking here about the deaths of a few young, innocent, beautiful people who had their lives prematurely stolen by horrific illegal drugs. We mustn’t let facts take our attention away from that.’

In the aftermath of the Nutt bollocking, Professor Francis Bargle, an expert on the statistics of risk, has decided not to publish his latest paper. He told KTAB that he has ‘a 25% chance of an extraordinary rendition’ if he publishes the article, which observes that horse-riding and drug abuse are both more dangerous than terrorism.

 

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