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Sweet deal

Last ever pick ’n’ mix bags hundreds and thousands

Woolies Uxbridge pick ’n’ mix

My sweet lament, a poem on the passing of Woolies
Amidst the desolation, all the good sweets are gone,
Heavy-hearted children, forced to steal from Wilkinson,
A beacon on the high street, Woolworths, how ye shone,
The confectionery provider, we could always count upon
From now, until forever, thou shalt be pick ’n’ missed.

photo: Statto

The last ever bag of Woolworth’s pick ’n’ mix sold this week on eBay for £14,500, which might have been more of an achievement if they hadn’t already sold all of the store fixtures for 50p. And the £14,500 hadn’t gone to charity.

The government has sought to quell fears that this price indicates the start of a period of unprecedented inflation. The rise of 250,000% is, thankfully for ministers, excluded from government economic metrics because pick ’n’ mix is not included in the ‘standard basket’ of goods used to calculate inflation rates. ‘The basket is constantly being revised to reflect consumer habits and economic conditions,’ explained Dr Francis Bargle, an analyst with the Bank of England, ‘At the moment, we’re modifying the basket by wrapping it in razor wire and electrifying it, to stop any of the thieving newly-unemployed stealing our hypothetical goods. We had a meeting this morning where we all did drawings. Look; mine has guard towers.’

Woolworths’s ex-executive chairman, Marvin Wilcox, was asked for comment on the transaction. ‘If I’d known we could sell a single jelly baby for £800, we could have sold three for £2,400, bought 400 Ricky Martin CDs, and then sold them for 50p each in our closing-down sale. We would have made probably £200! Then we could have bought a quarter of a jelly baby. I like the heads best.’

A rash of copycat auctions has sprung up across eBay as ex-Woolies employees try to capitalise on this obvious gap in the market. Products on offer range from Woolies’ ‘last ever’ Steven Segal DVD box set to a bottle purportedly containing the final tears of one store manager from Ipswich.

By strange coincidence, the ‘last ever’ pre-nationalisation Northern Rock mortgage also sold on eBay for £14,500. ‘It’s just a shame it had £196,000 outstanding!’ joked banker Roger Bighouse whilst bathing in cognac, smoking mink hair rolled in a £50 note from his bonus, ‘We will be indebted to the buyer, UK_Taxpayer09, for the rest of our lives.’


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