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Precipitating a crisis

Broad-sleets go snowver-the-top on snow news day

a snowy bicycle in Oxford in 2007

Going snowhere: blizzards cause UK transport meltdown

photo: Statto

The UK has been left paralysed after literally centimetres of snow rendered news outlets unable to produce anything other than lazy, anodyne leaders about the inclement conditions.

Some especially clichéd journos were seen to ask what word the Inuit, who according to transparent urban legend have over one hundred different words for types of snow, would use for this smattering. ‘Feeble,’ translated Inuit myth-buster Maguyuk Wilcox, ‘Which is among fifty-four insults we could fling at your journalism.’

Meanwhile, many are using the media storm as a cover for what London Mayor Boris Johnson described as a ‘mass skive’, including schoolchildren at the thousands of schools forced to close due to bad teaching weather. However, attendance rates at several schools which Ofsted has labelled ‘shit’ were thought to have improved, until it transpired that the extra pupils had melted by lunchtime, leaving only a scarf and a carrot behind.

Skivers have also attacked the nation’s gritting strategy, contending that only gritting major roads leaves people whose drives don’t open directly onto a motorway stranded, unable to reach the salty oases of thaw. The congestion charge was waived for a day, partly in a bid to assuage the anger of commuters left helpless, but mainly due to the cameras being unable to read snow-covered numberplates.

A staggering no people have so far died in the deluge, and concerns abound that this number may multiply ten-fold before the week is out. ‘People are acting so crazily as a result of this weather,’ explained police inspector Francis Bargle, ‘Or at least because they’re taking evasive action because they’ve been told everyone is acting crazily. On the positive side, we have managed to get a decent number of ASBOs (Anti-Snow-Balling Orders) dished out.’

Forecasters forecast that the snowfall will be over by the end of the week, despite most evidence suggesting that it has already gone. ‘Stop looking outside of London!’ journalist Roger Bighouse snapped at KTAB, before doing a sombre piece-to-camera about ‘havoc’ on his quiet cul-de-sac in Chiswick.


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