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Madoff led off to jail
Investors take stock as brazen broker broken
After pleading guilty to eleven counts of being really obviously guilty of a whopping scam, the man whom newspapers have sadly not dubbed the Ponzi pansy was led away in diamond-encrusted handcuffs to await sentencing.
Bernard Madoff orchestrated an enormous financial scam spanning nearly two decades, losing investors an estimated $65 billion, enough to buy six Large Hadron Colliders, a Harrier jump-jet and happiness, and still have change for a peerage.
The criminal mastermind was sent directly to jail, with judge Denny Chin denying bail on the grounds that ‘He has the incentive to flee and he has the means to flee,’ adding, ‘I don’t know where the sly bugger put that $65 billion, but it’s safe to say he’s got enough stashed somewhere to afford a canoe!’
The 70-year-old fraudster is expected to receive a 150 year sentence. Upon his release at 220, it is expected that the small portion of his fortune which was obtained by non-illicit means will have grown by dastardly compound interest to leave him rich beyond even his wildest dreams. ‘I’m a con in for the long con!’ he explained.
Futurologist Dr Francis Bargle elaborated: ‘When he comes out in 2159, we confidently expect Madoff to be the second richest man in the World, right behind the guy who, in 2072, will invent a way for men to have sex with robots.’