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Heiry problem

Brown backs equal rights for queens

Queen Elizabeth II

Queen Elizabeth II has presided over enormous changes in everyday life during her reign, with a combination of confusion and thinly-veiled disgust

photo: Statto

Buckingham Palace and the Prime Minister have been in discussion over scrapping the 1701 Act of Settlement, a piece of outdated, discriminatory legislation whose removal would transform the monarchy into a dynamic, inclusive institution fit for the 21st century.

The act prevents royals who marry Catholics, or convert to the ‘traitorous faithe’, from ascending to the throne. Lib Dem MP Dr Evan Harris has proposed a bill which would scrap both the Act, and the precedence given to male heirs which, for example, sees Princess Anne drop from fourth to tenth in line for the throne. ‘Dr Harris is woefuly naïve. It is essential that this bill is not passed,’ explained royal aide Marvin Wilcox, ‘Because the only chance we’ve got of stopping Prince Charles becoming King is for Anne to do him under sexual discrimination in the workplace!’

Downing Street has expressed cautious support for the bill. ‘There are clearly issues about the exclusion of people from the rights of succession,’ explained Gordon Brown. ‘In fact, over sixty million people in the UK are totally ineligible.’

However, the government are stalling on an outright back-slap for the bill on the basis that making the changes would be ‘complex’ both in UK and across the Commonwealth. ‘Whilst the Queen is just signing everything we take to her, we’ve got no real incentive to rush any of this stuff though,’ prevaricated government spokesman Roger Bighouse, adding ‘No, I will not answer any questions about the legitimacy of our parliamentary democracy, our unelected second chamber or the monarchy itself. The important constitutional issue is how we can restore George Windsor to his rightful place, twenty-fifth in line to the throne, so cruelly snatched from him because he loves one who professes the popish religion.’

Former Anglican, Roman Catholic ex–Prime-Minister and founder of the Tony Blair Faith Foundation for religious tolerance and acceptance Tony Blair maintained the legal ban on Catholics entering the monarchy during his decade in office. ‘We all know that not talking about religion makes it disappear from the press and the public consciousness,’ said the part-time Yale lecturer on religion and globalisation, ‘My advice is…oh, look! Over there! A little bumble bee!’


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