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The sixteen million dollar pension

Sir Fred not shy about retiring

a £100 Scottish note

Sir Fred Goodwin will be given one of these every 75 minutes under the pension scheme

Consternation has been widespread as it was revealed that Sir Fred Goodwin, who last month stepped down as chief of RBS, would be receiving a seven hundred thousand million bajillion pound pension, as a reward for retiring early and not driving the bank any further into the ground.

‘I can’t see the problem, myself,’ offered Sir Fred, helpfully, ‘I mean, my pension is dwarfed by other figures in the finance industry: it’s 1,500× less than the loss I presided over this year, for example.

‘And it's not like I'm the biggest prick in the news; Robert Mugabe spent ten times my pension on a birthday bash. And he didn’t even invite me, the git!’

Gordon Brown, whilst grumpy, downplayed the government's rôle in resolving the crisis. ‘It would be a very dangerous precedent for the government to start enacting new laws willy-nilly, just because of obvious flaws in the current legal system. I, for one, feel quite some sympathy for Sir Goodwin. I would not like to be tried by the court of public opinion.

‘Besides, we can’t simply jump every time public opinion says one thing or the other. That would go against everything my government stands for.’

A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats told KTAB ‘Sir Fred obviously likes money!’

As a last ditch attempt to deal with the ex-RBS boss, Labour deputy leader Harriet Harman is reported to be planning to declare Goodwin’s enormous pension as being against the public interest, therefore anti-social, and to slap on an ASBO, making it illegal for him to receive money, or leave the house during the hours of darkness to attend swanky cocktail dos. If this fails, compromises proposed include Sir Fred receiving his pension entirely in pound coins, Zimbabwean dollars, or as RBS shares.

KTAB business glossary

Golden shower, n.
A retirement pay-out so huge it takes the piss.

 

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