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Police urge public to scout for terrorists

KTAB anti–anti-terror–posters poster

Do your bit!

KTAB News is launching a counter–counter-terror campaign with our anti–anti-terror–posters poster. Why not print one off and stick it up on your campus, in your window, or over a policeman’s face*?

* KTAB doesn’t condone sticking posters over policemen’s faces. Or draconian ad campaigns to turn the public against one-another.

The Police have launched an advertising blitz asking the public to report anyone a bit funny-looking, just in case they might be a terrorist. ‘Defending our freedoms is a tough job,’ explained Met chief Paul Stephenson, ‘so we’re adopting a two-pronged approach of defending those freedoms whilst eroding them to make defending them simpler.’

The Metropolitan Police, fresh from its latest Avoiding Institutional Racism seminar, has launched a campaign urging ordinary civilans to report any instances of terrorist foreplay they may encounter in the streets. Such activities, the posters claim, include ‘taking photographs,’ ‘putting your rubbish in the bin’ and ‘someone not having reported you to the police first’.

Police are also requesting that people report anyone who seems to be studying CCTV cameras, since they might be conducting reconnaissance for a bombing. If this push fails to encourage sufficient grassing, the Met are considering having a small camera attached to every current camera, to see whether or not it’s being watched.

Experts worry that asking for public input will lead to a rash of false positives. Given that the last terrorist attack was nearly two years ago and involved only two jihadists setting themselves on fire before being punched in the face by angry Glasweigians, there are almost certainly more lottery winners than terrorists in the UK. However, the odds of the general public reporting something fishy which is then followed up with heavy-handed yet ineffectual policing are more akin to the odds of an idiot buying a scratchcard, as evidenced by the police raid on an animal sanctuary after public complaints following Jonathan Ross’s joke about a sleepy dormouse.

Regardless of the teething troubles and self-evident flaws, Chief Inspector Roger Bighouse of the Met remains disturbingly fond of the plan. ‘It’s beautiful!’ he declared, proudly displaying his latest poster. ‘A bomb won’t go off here because three weeks ago we detained twelve foreign-looking men without trial and all the terrorists are too busy writing to Amnesty International to bother distilling fertiliser.’

 

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