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Jacqui’s man’s right hand

TV pawned after TV porn, Smith pwnd

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith

Ms Smith describes her favourite punishment for masturbators

Home Secretary Jacqui Smith got tied up in a sticky situation this week as it came out that her husband had squeezed a tenner from the public purse whilst watching two pornos at their scandal-baiting ‘second home’ in Redditch.

The two films—which Smith’s husband Richard Timney is understood to have watched ‘on his own, and with the curtains drawn, and that’—appeared on the Home Secretary’s expenses by mistake, coming, as they did, bundled in a package deal for an Internet connection. A further expense claim, for seven jumbo-sized boxes of Kleenex, was approved by officials after it was explained many people in the constituency burst into tears when they realise who their MP is.

Mr Timney, who works as a secretary to the Home Secretary at home, has had quite an earful over the incident, according to sauces. A bottle of ketchup in the family’s kitchen told KTAB how she’d overheard ‘a right domestic’ in which Smith had threatened to ‘handcuff him to the bed and detain him for 42 days, or until he had been sufficiently punished.’

‘Obviously Ms Smith did not intend to bill for these films,’ a spokesman told KTAB. ‘She did not see them, and had no knowledge of Mr Timney’s private habits. Although I guess that would explain her fervent determination to ban all porn from the Internet…’

Gordon Brown gave his backing to Ms Smith earlier this week, saying that a wanking husband should not be allowed to detract from her ‘great work’. A spokesman for the Liberal Democrats said ‘People like pornogr—er, that is, the point is, the Home Secretary has lost all authority.’

Mostly, however, MPs seem willing to accept that pornography is just one of many things people like to look at, such as flowers, MPs’ expenses forms and CCTV cameras. Most notably, the Tories have refrained from calling for the Home Secretary and her home secretary to hand in their notices, saying that, while the shenanigans were ‘embarrassing’, they are not a resignation issue, and also the pair might not have washed their hands yet.

Reports that Gordon Brown was planning to spread a new euphemism for masturbation—‘sacking the secretary’—turned out to be sadly exaggerated.


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