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ONS reveals job lot of unemployed
Unemployment figures out this week show a dispiriting climb in the number of UK jobless, with over 2.2 million people now out of work. The headline figure is up 244,000, which is coincidentally the same as the spike in viewers experienced by ITV’s daytime Jeremy Kyle Show.
The Office for National Statistics apologised after an ‘accidental early release’ of the figures a day before they were due, during the height of the MPs’ expenses scandal. Coincidentally, ONS statistics show that two unfortunates lost their jobs for highlighting ‘a good day to bury bad news’ in September 2001.
KTAB had the privilege of speaking to unemployee #2,199,999, Marvin Wilcox. ‘I had been working for Mr Bighouse, the local MP,’ he explained. ‘But the old git fired me the other day, “before the manure hits the fan” he said, and then he had the cheek to shout after me about cleaning the moat “on my way out”!’
The government has reacted apologetically to the figures, which show unemployment has reached its highest level since the Tory government left office in 1997. Furthermore, the first quarter increase was the largest since 1981, prompting concerns that history might start to repeat itself in the form of riots, police brutality and also that history might start to repeat itself. Mainstream media are already leading the charge, referencing the repeat of history as part of a repeat of the events of 1981, which are repeating themselves. Like the media.
Tory backbencher Francis Bargle told KTAB he was outraged by the news. ‘This just proves that Labour have ruined the economy and demonstrated without a doubt that they are unfit to run the country,’ he said. ‘I, for one, hope that history does repeat itself, and we can come in and fix it just like we did in 1981. I’ve heard that David Cameron is thinking of buying a wig.’