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Letter to America

by Bernard, the Editor

Betsy Ross flag all a-flutter

America: land of the brave, home of the really bloody expensive

Now look. I know you’re only a young country, but just because you are, in country dog years, a teenager, that’s no excuse to throw a tantrum every time your nanny state tries to knit you some mittens.

Did you know, Mrs Bernard was in hospital the other year, to have an operation done? If she’d lived in the USA, she’d probably have died. Sure, we don’t get on, but I don’t want her to die because I can’t afford to pay for her to have private healthcare! (That said, I’ll take any offers you’re giving on not being able to bang on about moving the bleedin’ wardrobe in the spare room every hour of the day…)

Most of us here in, er, well everywhere else, now I come to think of it, really don’t get why you’re all so bloody frightened of being looked after.

It seems to me you don’t like the idea of the Government providing free healthcare for everybody that wants it because that might be communist. Firstly, it isn’t communist, of course, and secondly, the basic principle of communism isn’t that bad. What is it about the idea that all men are created equal that pisses you off so much?

Maybe I’m being harsh, and maybe the problem here isn’t that you’re scared of saying people are equal. Maybe it’s that you don’t want—what was the phrase I heard? O yes—you don’t want ‘faceless bureaucrats’ determining who gets treatment. For example, faceless bureaucrats employed by the insurance companies—people who don’t want to pay for your treatment because if they pay for you to go to hospital, their employer loses money, as opposed to faceless NHS bureaucrats who get clobbered by the press if their hospital statistics, based on success of treatments, look a bit poorly.

Get well soon, America! You’re welcome at the big boys’ table any time you want—you don’t have to be over 400 to join the First World, you know!

Love and kisses,

Bernard, the Editor.


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