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File-staring

Peer to peer at peer-to-peer pirates

Looks!!11!! All the musics in the WORLD!!1111!!11!!! LOL piratebay.org

The illegal file-sharing industry is worth an estimated £0bn a year

After dining on a luxury yacht with film producer and anti-piracy bore David Geffen, Peter ‘Lord’ Mandelson has rewritten government policy, suggesting that those who share files on the Internet be cut off from it. ‘Illegal filesharing is costing the creative industries literally tens of pounds a day,’ Mandelson explained, ‘Whereas posturing about cleaning it up is making me a packet.’

Internet service providers are to be forced to snoop on customers and snip the connections of those who file-share persistently. It is hoped that by cutting off people’s Internet access, they will become so bored that they are forced to go buy a CD in the shops, desperate for something to do. However, the policy runs counter to the government’s own Digital Britain report, which suggested that persistent pirates be dissuaded by throttling back the speed of their broadband connections. The report also recommended that persistent car thieves have their tyres slashed.

Curious about this government U-turn, KTAB spoke to one of Mandelson’s PAs, Claire Timkins: ‘We want to make a lot of noise about a fringe issue,’ she explained, ‘We’re hoping to swing his lordship another posh dinner with Geffen. He wants to pitch this idea he’s got for a film about a dashing young politician who becomes a Lord and rules the World.’

‘Illegal filesharing made me £500! I was watching RoboCop 3, which I’d just downloaded off BitTorrent, when some git snuck into my house and stole my coffee machine. Then, I over-claimed on the insurance! Who says crime doesn’t pay?’

Barry, Reading

Music mogul Roger Bighouse explained the scale of the problem: ‘We know there are about 43 million Internet users in the UK alone. If we assume that they would each buy ten Abba Gold CDs at £24.99 each, that’s £10,745,700,000. However, the shady piracy industry is likely to be worth ten times that, which is more pounds than my calculator can calculate.’

Concerns that pirates will just hack into neighbours’ wireless broadband, download using scrambled ‘secure’ connections which render individual files unidentifiable, or make use of ‘proxies’ in countries with less ineffectually draconian restrictions on ’Net usage, were this afternoon allayed by government IT consultant Francis T. Bargle, who issued a statement reading ‘Er…’

Standing up for piracy is the newly-formed UK Pirate Party, intent on stealing not only copyrighted music, but also loads of votes at the next election. ‘If we get in,’ a spokesman for party leader Andrew Robinson told KTAB News, ‘We can peer-to-peer us a few policies from parties who aren’t standing on a moronically populist single-issue platform.’

Labour party spokesman Marvin Wilcox hit back: ‘Geroff, pirates! Our manifesto is a work of fiction, and thus will remain copyrighted until 70 years after the Labour party’s death.’

 

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