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Freed press

Bill’s ill skills chill Jong-il’s strong will

Kim Jong-il and Bill Clinton

Clinton, officially on an unofficial visit, stated ‘I did not have international relations with that man.’

Former US President Bill Clinton returned from North Korea today after single-handedly (with his entourage) retrieving two American journalists who had been incarcerated after a visa mix-up whilst filming a documentary for Al Gore’s Current TV in March.

Summing up the sentiment of the American people, Gore told reporters ‘It speaks well of our country that, when two American citizens are in harm’s way, that so many people would put things aside and just go to work and make sure that things have a happy ending,’ adding, ‘Or when a few thousand Americans get killed by a handful of terrorist nutters, we put the entire population of two Mid-Eastern countries in harm’s way.’

The Obama administration were keen to stress that Clinton’s visit to Kim Jong-il’s palace had been a private affair, but were happy to share in Clinton’s glory, describing the mission as an ‘extraordinary humanitarian effort’, presumably ignoring the bit where Clinton left millions of starving non-Americans behind.

Asked how Clinton had successfully secured the release of the journalists, one aide explained to KTAB ‘It was easy for Bill to work his charms on the North Korean despot. It was just like an evening out with the secretaries: after all, Kim is a ladies’ name.’

Kim Jong-il and Vladimir Putin

Kim Jong-il in better days, with a fully-clothed Vladmir Putin

photo: Kremlin

Sources suggest that the captured journalists never properly began their hard labour, instead living out their 140-day sentence in a North Korean guesthouse. ‘It was the nightmare of our lives,’ sobbed one of the pair, ‘We were forced to stay in the equivalent of a Holiday Inn. It was ten dollars a night extra for Wi-Fi!’

In other US news, three were gunned down in a Pennsylvania gymnasium by a mentally unstable man who went on to kill himself with weapons he had legally purchased. Unfortunately, no political intervention could possibly have prevented this tragedy involving twice the number of Americans, so it’s a good job Bill Clinton was using his political clout to fellate a brutal dictator’s ego.

 

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