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Doctored evidence

Republicans lie in critical condition over NHS

some surgeons

American operating theatres are no strangers to the tension of a complicated procedure such as the uninsured walletectomy

America has exploded with rage in the face of President Obama’s proposal that everyone in the USA may be entitled to medical treatment in the event that they become ill. Insurance companies have launched a backlash campaign of adverts criticising Britain’s National Health Service, whose vast cost is expected to add 10% to premiums by 2013.

Republicans have circulated all manner of bizarre lies about the NHS, claiming that over-59s are denied heart treatment, suggesting that famous Englishman and Cambridge resident Stephen Hawking had his magic talking wheelchair sold for scrap iron whilst dying on a waiting list, and even insinuating that the arch-socialist health service would not treat Republicans.

‘All utter bollocks!’ spat NHS consultant Mr Francis T. Bargle, ‘Except that last one.’

Critics of the American health insurance system complain that those who are ill are blacklisted by insurers and unable to get coverage, but some Republicans seem to see that as an advantage: ‘I don’t want an America full of wheezy poor people!’ roared Senator Roger Bighouse, ‘Let’s hope they all die rapidly, uninsured. America will be strong again! It’s evolution by natural selection. Um... Which doesn’t exist!’

Advocates of euthanasia have also spoken out in favour of the private system. ‘In Europe if you want to choose to die, you have to pay for a flight to Switzerland to be bumped off by those lovely Dignitas people,’ explained American right-do-die campaigner Claire Timkins, ‘Over here, you just have to fall short on your insurance payments.’

The National Institute for Clinical Excellence, which authorises drugs and treatments for use in the UK, has banned the American healthcare system on the basis that it ‘failed in human trials’.

NHS and American healthcare compared

KTAB has compiled a helpful list of hypothetical examples to allow pundits to compare the two nations’ healthcare systems in a sensible and mature way:

  • If he’d lived in the UK, US President Barack Obama would not be alive today,’ explained one hard-right Republican, ‘Which, come to think of it, would be a good thing! Do travel agents do anonymous gift certificates?’
  • If he had lived in the UK, founding father George Washington would still be dead. He is currently turning in his grave.
  • If he’d been American, the recently-deceased Great War veteran Harry Patch (113) would have married an American housewife, entered politics in 1957, and his 1969 presidency would have ushered in the World-renowned American Public Health Service in 1972—three weeks before his assasination by crazed Idaho teacher Charles R. Heath.
  • If he’d been American, abused toddler Baby P would be alive because he would have got a free gun in a packet of Golden Grahams and used it to shoot his evil parents.
 

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