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Terror forming

Geoengineering climate solutions ‘of cirrus concern’

Jupiter innit

Dulux recommend painting the Earth the same colour as Jupiter, whose temperature is about −100˚C

The solution to the problems caused by mankind dicking about with the climate is to dick about with the climate some more, according to media coverage of a report by the Royal Society. So-called ‘geoengineering’ techniques range from sending a fleet of fire trucks to the Sun, to ignoring the problem and hoping it goes away.

According to the document, geoengineering—from the Greek root ‘geo’ meaning ‘to meddle with untested, made-up technologies’—could be used to make the Earth habitable again once global warming has turned the planet into a barren, foodless wasteland, populated entirely by stroppy Republican pundits demanding that the theory of evolution be discounted to better explain the clearly intelligently-designed giant scorpions that now trawl the endless brown horizon.

The authors call for more experimental data. ‘These large-scale climate alterations are extremely hard to model, in a chaotic climate system,’ explained Professor Francis Bargle, ‘All I ask is a space rocket, a lifetime supply of baby oil, and the coordinates of a distant Earth-like planet populated entirely by hot babes, and I’ll be back with the results in, ooh…fifty years or so. Deal?’

The scenarios to test are nothing if not diverse. Some cartoon villains recommend firing an enormous mirror, the size of the US carbon footprint, into orbit. Some scientists, however, dismiss this as impractical, and instead recommend launching trillions of tiny reflectors, each the size of Michael O’Leary’s charm, into space. Cosmonauts expressed concern at having a host of tiny shiny things in orbit: ‘Do you have any idea how much bad luck you could clock up with a single space shuttle?’ asked space captain Marvin Wilcox, ‘And will nobody consider the problem of space magpies?’

Another weapon in the fight against bothering to fight global warming comes in the form of so-called ‘artificial trees’, which scrub CO2 directly out of the air. ‘All we need to do its get over the massive cost of producing these “trees”, we’ll really be onto something!’ declared aspiring entreepreneur Roger Bighouse, ‘Until then, we just bill the government for a few thou’ per robo-leaf. Yes, it’s expensive, but carbon absorbers don’t just grow on trees, you know!’

Some scruffy hippy with a bag of seeds, which he claimed would grow into something called ‘non-artificial trees’ was ejected from the press launch.


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