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Cutting remarks

Brown spells out C-U-Ts at TUC’s conference

Gordon Brown smirking

Gordon tried to keep a straight face as he promised nursery teachers they counted as an ‘essential service’

photo: World Economic Forum

As Gordon Brown finally uttered what the hilarious press are dubbing ‘the c-word’ at a trade union meeting, the Tories and Labour have driven bipartisan politics to a new low this week, transforming the decision between the two former avowed, deep-seated ideological opponents to a choice between ‘cuts’ or ‘nyah, nyah, he said “cuts”! We promised cuts first, he’s a copier!’

Brown told delegates at the TUC conference in Liverpool that he would reduce spending in triplicate, promising to ‘cut costs, cut inefficiencies, cut unnecessary programmes and cut lower priority budgets’, leading many to wonder why he signed off on the ‘inefficiencies’ and ‘unnecessary programmes’ in first place.

By contrast, the Conservatives have spent the week telling the media that noisily promising to cut public spending is preferable to trying not to say you have to cut public spending. The Tories plan to cut MPs’ pay by around five thousand pounds a year, saving £250,000 per annum, and also abolish subsidies on food and drink at the Houses of Parliament, which they claim will save a whopping £5.5 million per year.

‘There are two astounding things about this £5.5 million figure,’ explained political commentator Francis Bargle. ‘Firstly, it’s twenty times more than that five grand pay cut will save. In fact, we spend over fifty quid per MP per day just subsidising parlimentarians’ nosh. That sounds like a lot of money but, secondly, it’s 4,000 times less than, say, the cost of renewing Trident, or about 30,000 times less than the £175 million budget deficit. Privatising the gravy train amounts to moving the food about on your plate, assuming your plate is the size of a pea and the budget deficit is the size of a nuclear submarine.’

Tories remain adamant about the effectiveness of their money-saving gestures, however. ‘No longer will our lawmakers be able to scoff subsidised sausages, if Cameron becomes Prime Minister,’ reiterated Conservative supporter Roger Bighouse down the pub with his mates, ‘Also, the lawmakers won’t have anything to do for the few years of the new parliament while Dave thinks up some policies—so we can save on heating bills as well.’

Liberal Democrat MP Marvin Wilcox told KTAB ‘People don’t like cuts. Or taxes. Hey, hang on, is that right? Well how the heck can any government please people, then? Boy, I’m glad I’m a Lib Dem!’


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