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Brown out

Atmosphere electric as Labour’s power cut

Clegg and Cameron laughing

A light moment, as the two comrades are asked if they believe that they are carrying out the wishes of the People.

photo: © Crown Copyright

After Gordon Brown’s official resignation as Prime Minister, the Queen has been activated and David Cameron sworn in as the first Conservative PM in history unable to maintain his election without Liberal assistance—though he claims he won’t need a fiscal stimulus.

In the UK’s first coalition government since 1977, Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg will serve under Cameron as Deputy Prime Minister, a post nicknamed the ‘Elephant Graveyard’ after its former purpose of keeping John Prescott out of the way.

In forging the Tory–Liberal team, who have branded themselves the ‘Regressive Coalition’ in a desperate bid to stem the tide of ‘ConDem nation’ jokes, both sides were forced to moderate their manifestos and create a nuanced landscape of political promises which satisfies precisely nobody. The Lib Dems’ radical agenda for political reform has been transformed into five-year, fixed-term Parliaments and a first-past-the-post referendum on AV (see sidebox), whilst the deeply-held Conservative policy of cutting inheritance tax has been temporarily killed off, leaving the 60% of its net worth which escaped the thieving taxman to its only child, the married couples’ allowance.

How AV works

In order to explain the alternative vote system, KTAB has helpfully mocked up a ballot paper for a referendum on voting systems, held under AV.

This referendum on UK voting systems uses the ‘alternative vote’ system. Please place numbers from 1–7 by each option in order of preference. Use each number once only.
First past the post7
Single transferable vote (STV)2
Range voting3
Alternative vote (AV)5
Alternative vote plus (AV+)4
Proportional representation6
Tombola1

The coalition’s other taxation plans will see planes taxed rather than passengers and introduce a levy on banks, whilst simultaneously raising the personal income tax threshold to £10,000, in line with the ConDem policy of only taxing things which can’t vote.

The Conservatives have also insisted that the Lib Dem promise to scrap Trident be scrapped. ‘The red button is the main reason this job’s fun!’ explained Cameron, dangling it just out of Clegg’s reach. Indeed, defence contractors have called for like-for-like replacement of the Conservative government when it comes up for renewal in 2015: ‘Maintaining a Tory deterrent may be expensive,’ explained submarine magnate Roger Bighouse, ‘but without one, my Trident contracts could be left defenceless.’

Key Cabinet positions have been given out to both Tories and Liberals with the much-lauded economist Vince Cable taking the portfolio of Business Secretary, and the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, George Osbourne, who is now in charge of the economy. Asked whether he thought he could work with Mr Cable, the Chancellor told KTAB ‘Of course! He’s just the fall guy I need to axe the NH—uh, ensure the recovery.’

Meanwhile, Clegg and Cameron govern on in a nearly literal honeymoon period, which will finish in about three weeks when people stop laughing at their hilarious joint press conferences and say ‘Sorry, a homophobic Equalities Minister? Isn’t that like employing a Chancellor who thinks money is something other people don’t have? Oh, never mind.’

Deal document

After the release of the ConDem coalition agreement, KTAB News has managed to get its hands on the first draft, proposed by the Lib Dems:

Conservative Liberal Democrat coalition negotiations

Draft 1, 8 May 2010

  1. We will implement every item on the Conservative manifesto.
  2. …but I get to be Prime Minister.

Yours,

Nick Clegg.

David Cameron is understood to have refused.

 

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