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Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. And, as part of my New Year’s Resolutions (number two, right after “stop saying sorry to Mrs Bernard for tripping over the stupid cat and breaking my leg when I fell down the stairs”), I’m proud to introduce an all-new format to KTAB News.
Again.
First we got rid of the paper, then we got rid of ever making any updates, and now we’ve got rid of the tables-based layout and are using something called “semantic XHTML”. No, I don’t know what it means either, but the technical boys told me it’s good. Actually, they told me that about tripling the company contribution to their pension schemes, but it does mean we’re going to scrap the “no updates” policy, which has got to be better, right?
The technical boys also told me that they’re too busy planning retirement parties in Rio to update any of stories from the old format, so they’ve got me to make a massive list of them so that they aren’t lost for all eternity. So, if you’re lost for all eternity, (I can’t think why else you’d want to read this lot) give ‘em a go!
In reverse chronological order:
- Tsunami: Waves of Aid hit Asia
- Stay-at-Home Secretary: Blunkett Resigns in Quinn-tessential Scandal
- Up In Smoke: New Legislation to Stub Out Cigarettes
- Back in Bushness: G. W. Just Holds on to White House
- Pension Pushers: Report Urges Early Investment
- Sub Standard: British-Bought Submarine Stranded
- By the By-Election: UKIP Trounces Tories in Hartlepool
- Hunters Foxed: Parliament Act Guarantees End to Horseplay
- Editorial: ‘I Will Fight Them On The Breaches!’
- Gunned Down: JFK Campaign Assasinated
- What the Butler Saw: Nothing
- Barrier Method: West Bank Ruled Breach of Planning Regs
- C, I Ain’t Bluffing: Report is as Bad as Predicted
- Bye Bye, Mr Punch: Ban Smacks of Nanny State
- Editorial: Bernard Speaks Out
- Bush Laden with Woes: Osama Speaks at Commission
- Tripoli Blessed: Libya Surrenders Nuclear, Biological and Chemical WMD
- ‘Kerry On’ John: JFK Has a Super Super Tuesday
- Sly Treason: Crown Prosecution Service to be Renamed
- Cheeky Bugger: Short Bugs Blair over Annan Allegations
- Running Chump: Nader Told to Quit While he’s Behind
- No Beating About The Bush: Dubyah Already Attacking Democrats
- Additional Powers: Government to Allow “Random Maths Tests” in Schools
- Bernard Vs. Hutton: Government to Allow “Random Maths Tests” in Schools
- The Hutton Report: Hutton Hits Beeb, Backs Blair
- Top Dollar: Top-ups to top off graduate debts
- Golden Robes: Jackson Dresses for Oscar Success
- Political Suicide: Counciller’s Career Bombed by Palestine
- Space Time: Mars Bars Lifted in New Exploration Plan
- Editorial: Saddam and Passenger make shock December appearance
- Saddam’s Close Shave: US Search Party Get One In Hole
- Drugged Up: Measly Moans and Rebellion Against MMR
- Photo Shoot: Hussein Sons Shot, Now To Bag Dad
- Spam Jam: ‘Net Users Rubbish Junk Mail
- One For The Road: New Transport Policy Not Very New Really
- Control Leak: Backbench Rebellions Draining Blair
- Spinning A Yarn: Campbell Hacks At Hacks
- Beating The Bishop: Gay Rites In The CoE
- Commons Liar: Lies, Damned Lies and WMD
- Testing Times: Exams Hit UK
- Euro Fighters: Europhilia Vs. Europhobia in Labour Party
- Euro Vision: UK Considers Single Currency
- Euro Trash: Song Contest is a Cold Turkey
- Euro Trash: Song Contest is a Cold Turkey
- Streetmap Named Ceasefire: “Road Map to Peace” Actually “Road Map to Kentucky”
- Knifed In The Back: IRA Agent Disrobed By Newspaper
- Oh Lord!: God Sued by Matrix Writers
- Have I Abuse For You: HIGNFY Star Still Not Sacked
- Deeper Underground: Scientists Search Mineshaft for Dark Matter
- SARS Attacks: SARS Alerts all Over the Place
- In the Brown: Gordon Reveals new Budget
- Supersonic Bust: Concorde Fleet to be Grounded
- Toppled: Saddam Yanked by Yanks as Baghdad Falls
- Coughs And Sneezes Spread Diseases: Slightly Annoying Respiratory Syndrome Threatens UK
- The Long March: Military Operations in the Gulf Continue
- Vital Statistics: Iraq
- Food Fight: Iraq
- Oh What A Lovely War: Military operations in the Gulf begin
- Caught In The Middle (East): Top Terrorist Caught By US People
- Power Struggle: The Next Generation of Generators
- Snogging Survey Results Revealed: Pervy Prof Publishes Paper
- IDS Under Fire: Statue Decapitated in “political protest”
- Grounded!: Airport Secured after Terror Threat
- All Blocked Up: Congestion Charges Cause Constant Commuter Complaints
- Dead Dino Discovered!: Palaeontologists pull up four-winged thing
- Probing Questions: Finding answers in the depths of sofas
- Shrewsbury Thrash Everton In FA Fiasco: Just like a small-town club does to a big-name side every year
- Burning Issues: Arsonists Plan Action in Wake of Fire Strikes
- Cymru’s Killer Cat: There’s something strange in the neighbourhood
- War Denounced!: Iraqi Leader Says his country will not support War in Iraq
- Paying Through the Nose: UK Declares War On Students
- Simply Red: Scientists Develop ‘Reddest Surface Ever’
- Attack Of The Clones: Begun, this Clone War has…
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