New powers will give councils a range of options for dealing with schools whose results consistently fail to improve, from sending a letter home to teachers’ parents to keeping teachers in the classrooms at lunchtime.

An outraged public has demanded to know why so-called experts ignored all the warning signs that money moguls were unfit to care for a vulnerable and fragile market.

In a decade-defining moment, the United States of America this week elected its first Democrat president for almost eight years.

Scientists at CERN have flicked the switch allowing protons around the ring of the Large Hadron Collider for the first time, resulting in the largest concentration of arts-graduate journo-bullshit in human history. And not the end of the World.

All around the world, doomsayers, false prophets, and people who didn’t bother to put that money back in the pension fund because ‘What’s the point of anything?’ have been left baffled today, as the proposed apocalypse failed to happen. To find out why, KTAB sent a reporter out to interview a particle physicist.

Consternation has gripped the Middle East after Iran tested a new range of ballistic missiles. The weapons’ reported range is 1,242 miles, or approximately half a Middle East—‘Which is pretty handy if you’re in the middle, eh?!’ joked Iranian general General Bighouse, scratching his trigger finger.

The Tories have pulled a thinly-veiled PR coup by accusing Gordon Brown of misleading the House over new road tax proposals now it’s transpired that, under the new system, owning a car will be almost as expensive as fuelling one.

To the squealing delight of those present, Steve Jobs—the hugely popular inventor of the cult adverts where two comedians pretended to be computers—has unveiled the successor to Apple’s touch-screen iPhone: the iPhone 3G, which takes its name from its ability to access the 3G, the high-capacity mobile network which was rolled out over Europe in 2003.

As thousands of people today realised that their mortgages are currently costing them more than the value of their house, and as the government was forced to admit that more children and pensioners were living in poverty than this time last year, the financial sector today suggested it might be time ‘to start lending money responsibly.’ Maybe.

Gordon Brown is staking his reputation on ‘winning the argument’ over Labour’s terrorism bill, a piece of legislation only slightly more popular than Mr Brown himself.