A troop stood near a plane in a disturbing juxtaposition

Heathrow airport has this week been crawling with troops and police officers after conveniently-timed warnings of an al-Qaeda threat "on the scale of one to ten", according to Government Press officer Marvin X. Wilcox. Pressed for further information, Wilcox added that the number was likely to be "Ten, assuming one means 'not worth the fuss', and ten means 'justifiable, and in no way an attempt to drum up support'."

The aviation community was shocked when, on Thursday, a small armoured vehicle was discovered concealed in a passenger’s hand-luggage on Dodo Airlines flight 1027. The flight, from Columbia, is a well-known drugs run and always scrupulously searched for illegal imports.

The passenger, who cannot be named for legal reasons, has been convicted of aiding terrorists in nine different countries, was apprehended when he asked “Where do I get a luggage trolley to wheel my tank onto the main runway?”

Airport Security were called in, and seized him as he attempted to find a luggage trolley without a wheel that squeaked and which didn’t constantly whack into his legs, as he wheeled his tank down several miles of terminal corridor.

General Francis T. Bargle, commanding several hundred troops patrolling the airport, said “I think the general public are reassured by the presence of all of us in our tanks with our machine guns.” Tourist Claire Timkins, flying in from La Guardia from her holiday, agreed with Bargle: “I feel much more confident being escorted from the plane by an armed escort of five men, and I’m happy to say so in their presence. Can they lower their guns yet?!”

There are similar scenes at all UK airports, as well as other random spots around the capital, with an increased security presence given the magnitude of the risks. They will not be removed “until the government has utterly unsettled the general public and made them agree to conflict in Iraq” said Wilcox.

Another man, arrested at Gatwick on Friday, trying to smuggle a sub-machine gun onto a plane whilst wearing full combats was released at 2100 hours that evening, after it was realised he was one of the troops defending the airport.