Doesn't he have a home to go to?

Tory ex-cabinet minister Michael Portillo this week decapitated a statue of Iain Duncan Smith, claiming that he was making a 'political point'.

Political commentators argued that, though knocking the head off the statue was "Too extreme", Portillo would have been able "maintain the image of the Conservative Party if he had split the statue down the middle."

Portillo's radical protest was supposedly caused by objections to IDS's style of leadership. The radical action within the party was started when Duncan Smith saw Tony Blair catching up on him in the unpopularity polls. "He was within three points of me coz the nation think he’s a war-mongering bastard," said IDS, "But What Michael did just can’t be accepted. I made the statue in my own image, just like the human race and the Conservative Party. To lop its noggin off is a smear on mankind."

Blair was shocked by the moves, arguing that "The protest is against a war, not against me. Just because I'm, well, helping to bring the war about despite what I suppose you might call the, ah, millions of protesters, that doesn't mean I'm bad at, you know, running the country." Passenger asked Tony to explain why the polls are steadily turning against him, but he refused. "I'm very, you know, sorry," he explained, "But I have to close down a hospital this afternoon, and, well, if I don’t leave right now, I'll have to pay a congestion charge."

The attack on the statue has left many political experts expecting another leadership struggle in the Conservative Party, but these were officially denied by leading Tory figures. "I'm not even thinking of running for the Leadership," Ken Clarke told reporters today. Portillo concurred; "This certainly isn't a campaign to get IDS out, no," he said, throwing another dart into a picture of Iain, "I just want rid of him so I can have a shot at being in control."