Scenes like this could become ever-more common with the new charges, say sceptics

In the smallest scheme of its kind ever introduced, road users in the small town of Market Pickton had road tolls thrust upon ’em on Monday of this week.

The charge of £5 a day is levied upon any who drive along the High Street, with a few exceptions including bicycles, motorcycles, solar-powered vehicles, milk floats and armoured vehicles with more external guns than loose change.

Councillor Marvin Wilcox applauded the new scheme, announcing that it means “There will be a dramatic reduction in congestion. The average speed of tractors driving through town is now down to 15mph, which is utterly unnaceptable. This congestion charge will ensure a free movement of traffic through the village, and prevent jams forming around the memorial water fountain.”

But ol’ Bessie only does 12mph! A Farmer

A ‘congestion helpline’ was set up for any having difficulty with the new scheme. “The congestion helpline coped admirably,” said Wilcox, smugly, “All we got was three ’phone calls from people asking how to clear their blocked noses.”

The system is enforced by high-powered computers which scan images of number plates of all road users, identifying those which have not registered and sending a whopping £80 fine to their home by post. One criminal gang, it is claimed, led by a Mr Charlie Croker, is already planning an Italian-Job-esque break-in to the computer centre, though they have yet to work out how breaking into the traffic control computer will allow them to steal all the gold. Especially since there is no gold in Market Pickton.

Local entrepreneur and business mogul Roger Bighouse is appalled by the new scheme. “It’s another bloody tax on the rich,” he moaned. Bighouse recently bought a vintage Bentley to add to his fleet of cars which he hires out to people having big expensive weddings. “Everyone getting married these days wants to look good in front of their new in-laws. At a cost of £430 an hour they can all hire my cars. Under this ludicrous new scheme, do you realise my profits will be slashed, to a poxy 3k a week?! It’s terrible the way everyone’s out to get big business!”

The success of the scheme, of course, will not become apparent until it has been in place for some time. Although traffic seems to have been reduced, as all cars now use the backstreets, Wilcox predicted that it will be known if the scheme is a success by the time he comes to be re-elected, although “in the event of my losing my seat to another candidate, the failure of the scheme may only be apparent once I have left office.”