Tanks and troops and planes are now zooming across the desert with gay abandon

This week finally saw the deployment of anxious, thumb-twiddling troops into Iraq in a large, high-speed Blitzkrieg to oust Saddam Hussein’s evil anti-American oil-hoarding regime.

Only a couple of months ago, the area was entirely devoid of troops, and now it is home to a seething and fast-advancing army. “This has been an amazing build-up of troops in such a short time,” US commander General Bargle told Passenger reporters today, “In just three weeks, we’ve gone from being the second largest force in Iraq to being a force second only to Saddam’s army itself.” Bargle is quietly confident about his chances of success. “250,000 soldiers can’t all be choke on sand and biological agents, be killed by Iraqi troops or taken out by friendly fire!” he joked, ominously.

There are various combinations of ground and air units making rapid advances through Iraq, in an attempt to reach Baghdad as fast as possible, in Operation Last-One-There’s-A-Sissy. Bargle and his team were engaged in a strike of a forward attack post when our reporters caught up with them. “The plan is to come at the base from the north and the east at the same time,” Bargle explained. “Two armoured divisions per pincer, plus air support from our latest B2 Stealth Bombers and smart missiles. It may well be a bit dangerous, but all our men will be wearing fluorescent jumpers, like joggers have, so we’ll all see each other in the dark! The Iraqis haven’t got anything high-tech like fluorescent jumpers. Good plan, isn’t it?!”

However, it’s not only Allied generals who have plans, oh no. Saddam has already carved his little nation into four regions; North, South, The Sand Pit and Saddam’s Tree House. The Northern region is under the deadly command of a general known as “Chemical Ali” for his supposed involvement in Saddam’s chemical attacks on Kurds. The Southern region is now under the command of “Uncle Sam”, who is similarly prone to killing his own side, though admittedly slightly less on purpose: “We’re not evil, just half-witted!” said Bargle.

US Intelligence also suggests that Saddam, though he has promised not to set any oil fields alight, may have booby-trapped wells. “Our spy satellites have seen buckets of chemicals poised over doors and whoopee cushions hidden in minefields!” Bargle told us. “We certainly hope the war is over before April Fool’s Day, because the Iraqis have an impish, if usually mortally-wounding, sense of humour.”

However, despite the fact military operations involve fighting with ill-equipped soldiers who don’t want to be fighting in the first place, the British army is doing very well, and current intelligence suggests that the war will be over within a few days. The same intelligence which said World War I would be over by Christmas.