It is quite dark - but what does it matter?

Scientists in a salt mine in Yorkshire this week activated the latest particle detector set up to observe ‘dark matter’, so-called because no-one knows what it is.

There are two competing theories in physics at present regarding dark matter; MACHOs, or ‘MAssive Compact Halo Objects’, found in intergalactic space, and WIMPs, or ‘Weakly Interacting Massive Particles’, which the detector is geared up to observe.

“It’s basically like a giant tennis net to catch rays from space,” explained Professor of Astrophysics Francis Bargle, leader of the ‘Particle Research Analysis Teams’, or PRATs, “It’s a very deep mine, so we’ve found the dark – now all we need is the matter!”

The detector, which consists of a 50,000 gallon tank of water filled with an array of vacuum tubes, took over three years to fill from an ordinary garden hose. “It was quite a task,” explained Bargle, “Especially because of all the bloody hosepipe bans!” Yorkshire Water were delighted with the news, saying “Now we know where are the water’s been going, we can stop blaming leaky pipes, freak droughts, and people washing their hands to avoid SARS.”

There has been much controversy in science recently about the potential application of research to terrorism or other immoral purposes, but Bargle is quick to dispel the worries that Passenger had about his 5,000 gallons of nuclear water; “It’s okay, us physicists are broadly exempt from these fears,” he explained, “For our research to have an evil application, it would need to be relevant to something!”

Though accused by some of being irrelevant, the search for dark matter has been popularised by Philip Pullman’s childrens’ book trilogy ‘His Dark Materials’, which has led to a similar search being commissioned in the US, following a considerable delay while George Bush found someone to read him the story.

Dark matter is thought to be an important factor in the fate of the Universe; if there’s too much, scientists predict that the Universe will end up in a ‘Big Crunch’ and destroy itself. The alternative, if there’s not enough, is that the Universe will be impossible for anything to hold it together; “Like the Conservative Party!” explained Bargle.

The search has no expected completion date, but scientists are hoping for detections before the year is out; “It’s just like lots of physics; black holes, neutrinos – we’re basically making it up and writing books about it to make a quick buck! Who really cares how the Universe will end anyway?! " Bargle chuckled “We can say whatever we like and no-one can prove us wrong!” Much like journalism, really.