Merton basks in his self-percieved glory

In an exclusive, Passenger has found that a star of the BBC’s once-hit television series Have I Got News For You has been found in bed feeling a smartarse.

According to Passenger’s Gutter/Tabloid/Paparazzi Correspondent, Merton left the BAFTA award ceremony on a smug high and proceeded to have a night-long confidence trip, before returning to his home and sleeping with an Inflated Ego (RRP £29.99, ‘Feels just as slick as a real achievement!’), which may have been purchased from a stockists in Soho.

The HIGNFY Team Captain Paul Merton, who also takes part in ‘Just A Minute’ on Radio Four, denied allegations that he has been using public appearances to act in a supercilious manner at the expense of the game’s former host. A spokesman for Merton issued a statement today explaining that “Paul’s not smug at all. He’s just using every chance he gets to point out the fact he’s never found a prostitute who’ll take money from him.”

Merton has bashed Deayton at the BAFTAs, during HIGNFY and even during an interview with Parkinson, when he seemed more preoccupied with making jokes at Deayton’s expense than talking about the future of HIGNFY, his home life or his other forays in comedy. Parkinson quickly resorted to asking “So aside from hating Angus, what else are you doing? Anything..? Maybe you went shopping the other day? No? Made a ’phone call?”

Passenger spoke to a BBC spokesman; “The decision was made in good faith,” he told us, “and before anyone had worked out that the ratings would...uhm...stop existing unless HIGNFY was hosted by a host – rather than a failed politician, failed comedian or failed failure.” We asked about hopes for a long-term successor; “Yes, we’re compiling a shortlist, you see...err...yeah, that’s why we’re going to try any old idiot off the street until we find someone suitable.”

Passenger made further enquiries, and even arrived in the office of the Director General, Greg Dyke, for an interview. Asked if Merton’s superiority complex detracted from the BBC’s obligation to maintain impartiality, Mr. Dyke told us that “Paul’s arrogance is quite impartial, he really does believe himself superior to almost all of the human race! Muah-ha-ha-hahaha!!” Our correspondent was forced to agree.

Actor, author and acclaimed comedian Steven Fry is amongst the many boycotting the programme as a result of the BBC’s action. Merton’s spokesman stated that Paul’s attitude is not directly linked to the sacking – which Fry slammed as “greasy, miserable, and pathetic” – and added that “Paul, at least, isn’t greasy, however miserable and pathetic he may be.”

Eagle-eyed, not-so-sharp and indeed blind fans of the show have noticed that Merton is always the man who brings up the story of Angus’s misdemeanours. Merton’s spokesman quashed rumours that this was to make up for the fact he has never done anything to interest the tabloids: “Paul brings up the story because it makes him laugh,” he explained. “And he wore a T-Shirt printed with the story only because his wardrobe designer noted that, though covered in tabloid smut, it was more tasteful than any shirt he’s ever worn in his life.”

Meanwhile, as Merton’s ego soars, the number of losers willing to fail at replacing Angus drops and HIGNFY ratings plummet to numbers lower than the wages of the average journalist here at Passenger, the question remains: when will Merton finally shut up, and do something? He may have won a BAFTA, but with ‘his’ main TV programme heading down the tube faster than the 10:43 to Oxford Circus, there will come a point when his ego finally collapses. Ian Hislop is allegedly hiring a bodyguard.