These people are protected from over thirty types of dust

The world is currently cowering in terror as the new virus dubbed ‘SARS’ spreads across the continents as if it were borne on the wind by invisible things that can kill you. In the Far East airports are closing, whole cities are under lockdown and shares in Kleenex are up 136%.

The odds of dying from SARS vary geographically, approximately inversely when compared to amount that the government is willing to admit. In Britain, where the government are busily inducing nation-wide terror, the odds of dying from SARS are pretty much nil. In China and Canada, where governments are wildly denying its existence, the chances are much more significant; but still less likely than an economic collapse induced by scaring off tourists.

A spokesman for the Chinese government told Passenger “You are significantly less likely to die of SARS in this province than I am to shoot myself in the foot and deny its existence,” agreeing with a statement from the Chinese Information Minister, who had told the press “There is no SARS in Beijing! Our initial assessment is that no-one will die.”

The virus is believed to have sprung from the common cold and has no known cure. Experts are currently trying to develop one, but are having trouble as it is said to be “A long and tedious progress. We’re doing our best, but it’s hard to be methodical and scared sh*tless at the same time!”

Roger Bighouse, whose company VisaMed is helping to develop the cure, spoke to Passenger: “The trouble is with the medics here. They’re really not happy about the fact I’ve got them working in an environment warmed to body temperature with full air conditioning and no face masks. Something about optimal conditions for SARS, they say – but like I tell ’em, that’s what they need! Besides, how can you tell who anyone else if you’re all toffed up to the nines in breathing apparatus?! Anyway, right now the cure’s being worked on by five kids doing Work Experience. So it may take a bit!”

However, a cure is not the only way to curb a possible pandemic. Research is also going into preventative technologies to detect and isolate SARS victims and those close to them.

Japanese airports are being fitted with special scanners which can detect SARS patients before they enter the country. Dr Bar Gle of the Tokyo Institute of Technology showed our correspondent one in action. “It’s quite simple, really; this detector simply removes the visible clothes, thus...” he explained to our wide-eyed reporter, “And we can look at the chest to see how they are breathing. Look at her, she’s breathing veeery deeeeeply. Mmmm. Look at her ample chest, rising and falling...so she’s not got SARS, and can safely be given a more thorough examination, here in my office.”

Meanwhile, here in the UK, the government has not been issuing travel advisories and face masks, but information on ways in which SARS is not transmitted in an attempt to reassure the panicky public; according to the government documents, you cannot catch SARS from “sharing tissues”, “being on an aircraft” or “having a Chinese takeaway”.

Airline companies are also being swept up in the mass hysteria, with Dodo Airlines even offering its First Class passengers a choice between champagne or amantadin antiviral drugs as their in-flight refreshment. SleazyJet, however, are taking an altogether more businesslike approach. Press officer Clare Timkins explained: “We’re now offering 1p Beijing to London flights for all contagious microbes! We’ve worked out that we can fit several billion on each plane, so we should make a right wodge o’ dosh.” Marvin Wilcox of Dodo Airlines described this strategy as “Sickening.”

Since SARS shows no sign of abating, this newspaper would like to advise its readership to wash their hands, not share tissues and go down to the chippie for tea tonight – watch out for food poisoning!