Staff at Scotland Yard claimed after the revelations that they’d suspected Breddknife wasn’t just a tea boy all along

The IRA have pulled their most proficient spy out of London, after The Sun threatened to reveal his identity in a story headlined “Spy Poses With Girl With Big Breasts!”

The Sun, in a statement, said: “What the common Irish paramilitary can’t believe is that the IRA had someone so high up in Scotland Yard, and how many of their mates must’ve been arrested and how many explosives must have been found, while the agent did nothing.”

The agent, known as ‘Breddknife’ is believed to have infiltrated the highest ranks of Scotland Yard’s service and is known to have been serving the Commissioner with tea and biscuits for over three months.

“I’d always been suspicious of Breddknife,” he remarked, “Kept serving dodgy tea. Was never sure how she’d got so high up the waitressing ladder when she didn’t know how to brew a good Earl Grey. That, and the name ‘Breddknife’. Always reminded me of some Irish operation we did twenty years back for some reason.”

The IRA was able to pull Breddknife back to a safe house after a draft copy of the Sun’s potentially devastating revelation was discovered in a field a few miles from Belgoolies, County Cork, two hours before the publishing deadline.

A spokesperson for the IRA, Marvin “The Death” Wilcox told Passenger that “Breadknife had to be pulled back, as his cover was about to be blown big-time. We found a copy of a newspaper revealing that our agent’s identity was about to be destroyed. We had no choice.” [Passenger would like to make it very clear that at no point did Wilcox threaten to “Blow the Sun out o’ the atmosphere, and anyone else who snitches on me with d’barstads” – Bernard, Editor].

A Scotland Yard official commented that “We had no idea Mrs. Timkins was an IRA agent! Let alone a male one! When I think of that time I felt…. Excuse me,” he added, before vomiting into the wastepaper basket, “I beg your pardon. Erm, as I was saying, I had no idea I’d been infiltrated. I mean, ‘we’d been infiltrated’... There were always rumours that a ‘Breddknife’ was operating in our kitchen, but I never believed them.”

Various rumours of IRA agents working in high places have been put about the capital. Passenger, ever one to jump on the bandwagon, would like to blow the cover on: ‘Spitroast’, who works in a chip shop near Downing Street frequented by members of the cabinet, ‘Curvygirl’, who had a flourishing career tapping sex lines used by politicians and ‘Honkytonk’, who was Tony Blair’s stripogram sent by Robin Cook for his fiftieth.

Despite the shock revelations on all sides Ireland continues in much the same way it has since the Ulstermen objected to being given independence. However, the politicians are still persisting in trying to demilitarise the IRA and, with the Eurovision Song Contest coming to Ireland later this year, it’s hoped that the IRA will choose to use their weapons for the good of mankind rather than terrorist purposes – a bomb scare just before the contest would be nice.