John Prescott illustrates one of the Cabinet's united fronts on Europe

Plans to tie up several rather dull loopholes with an new EU constitution have split the government this week, depending on the political leaning of the person they were talking to.

The Tory party, in a bid to seem keen, have demanded that the Government hold a referendum on the subject, on the grounds that “Labour are the only party to have ever held a referendum, so it’s not as if we could.” The Government, however, has refused on the grounds that “We wanted a referendum about something else, this isn’t it, so we won’t have either.” Pressed further by the opposition the Government clarified it’s statement by saying “Shan’t!” and blowing a raspberry.

Mr Blair managed to get the EU to remove the word ‘federal’ from passages about joint policy, replacing it with ‘in the Community way’. This kind of verbal ambiguity is exactly what Labour policy-makers need to, in the words of one such advisor, “tell Brussels we love them, tell the Eurosceptics we hate Brussels and tell the left-wing of the Labour Party they've just been expelled from the Commons.”

In most aspects of the EU changes, however, Mr Blair seems happy despite an uneasy and Eurosceptical public. The ‘Stop The EU’ campaign, led by Clare Timkins, told Passenger “We are planning on organising a million-strong anti-Europe march through the capital. Surely the PM wouldn’t ignore the voices of such a huge number of his electorate?”

In a statement, Mr Blair said that he would “Agree with anyone on any side of the debate. Especially a million of them.”

Passenger had the honour of interviewing the Deputy Prime Minister, Mr John Prescott, about the cabinet’s ‘united front’ on Europe. “We’re united,” Mr Prescott told our correspondent, “In that we all tell whoever we’re with exactly what they want to hear. Are you a Eurosceptic or Pro-Euro publication?”

John ‘Two Jags, Two Jabs’ Prescott (and now ‘Two-faced’, presumably) was all too happy to illustrate cabinet policy when our correspondent told him that Passenger were very anti-Kraut. ‘Two fingers’, it seems. However, when we assumed a more pro-Europe stance, Mr Prescott told us “Two right!” and promptly outlined how he and all of the government had been entirely with the EU since the common market, adding “Those fingers were off the record, naturally.”

Despite the fears naturally caused by the prospect of co-operation with our fellow man, it seems that the EU is likely to become an increasing factor in the lives of all people in Great Britain. This, of course, will upset some of the fiercely patriotic members of the country, but politicians are unlikely to worry about that, when the prospect of EU summits means any of them, regardless of party allegiance, are likely to get free tickets to every booze stall, beach and brothel across the channel. Deplorable. Incidentally, which way’s Dover?