The Scene of the Crime

The Eurovision Song Contest took place in Latvia, with unfulfilled promises of a UK victory, nudity and decent music.

The contest, in its 48th year, had some 26 entrants from across the geographically-inconsistent area of ‘Europe’ which it claims to cover, with many entries involving an eclectic combination of leather skirts, pelvic thrusts and belly-dancing. Hot favourites for the competition were ‘European’ duo Tatu, natives of Moscow, Russia, whose combination of underage pseudo-lesbian antics and appalling singing makes them at most half-different to any past Eurovision act you care to choose.

The eventual winners were Turkey, meaning that they will host the competition next year. The UN are considering a Turkish government request for Patriot missile batteries from the Americans “for their own defence.”

In second were Belgium, despite the fact that their entire song was sung in an imaginary language. Organisers deny that this is due to the points they were given by their own country, who mistook them for foreign entrants and so voted for them anyway.

The nakedest picture we could find of Tatu (For search engines: Tatu, nude, naked, porn, pron, teens, underage, sex, veranda, telescopic)

Third place went to the Russian entry, Tatu, who were going to win, but didn’t, were going to disgrace the competition by appearing naked, but didn’t, and were going to kiss on stage, but didn’t. They performed their act to booing from the crowd and relief from the organisers; “If they had appeared naked or done anything raunchy,” explained cameraman Marvin Wilcox, “We’d have cut to footage of suicide bombings for more pleasant family viewing and made sure that all the crew got a copy of the actual video.”

The UK entry, Jemini, came in last with “nul pwa” at all in what was described as the “Post-Iraq backlash against crap music.” In Iraq, American forces have been using low-quality Western music, such as American rock and childrens’ TV themes to try and break the will of Iraqi POWs. The MOD reportedly approached Jemini after the performance to negotiate a deal for five records, to be played continuously at captives. “My wife got me to make dinner and ignore my toy soldiers by threatening me with Eurovision,” explained General Bargle of the MOD Definitely-Not-Torture-We’re-Just-Curious division, “So it must work!”

What was an amazing televisual feat when it started is now an embarrassing televisual flop. With viewing figures plummeting year-on-year, next year’s hosts Turkey are wondering whether Tatu will come back, and actually strip this time. “Our viewing share is mainly dirty old men anyway,” Röger Großhaus of Eurovision explained “We are thinking of making Terry Wogan the Europe-wide host, to get some viewer empathy.”

If the viewing figures for this report are any good, Passenger promises to do an on-location report next year; in Fulham, most probably, in a pub, as far away from Terry Wogan as practicality allows.