Tuesday, 25 June, 2003, 11:13 BST

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Beating The Bishop

Gay Rites In The CoE

The Bishop had always known he was different from the other Bishops

As the storm over the appointment of a gay Bishop of Reading reaches a new high, Passenger has been granted an exclusive interview with His Holiness The Lord God Almighty Himself.

The Church is now split into two sections; those who are following the Bible word-for-word, more or less because it supports their argument, and those who are not opposed to the appointment, on the grounds that the new Bishop is celibate anyway, so it probably doesn’t matter. God, it seems, belongs to the latter category.

“I can’t say I’ve ever trusted the Bible too much,” He told Passenger, “I mean, I wrote a lot of it when I was really young, and you know how everyone gets confused on the whole sexuality thing around then! Er, they do, right? Yeah well. You think these people objecting to this guy actually follow every four-thousand year old rule that got all twisted up when people wrote ’em down? They don’t! Trust me, I know this stuff!”

Many of those supporting the Bishop have pointed out the total irrelevance of his sexuality. “You don’t expect homosexual lifeguards or computer engineers to start feeling each other up at work,” the Rt. Rev. Francis Bargle explained. “Why expect it of a Bishop?”

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Despite such statements the more bigoted conservative members of the Clergy are willing to take extreme measures in order to prevent the appointment of a gay Bishop. “This is something which I feel I must oppose most strongly!” protested the Rev. Roger Bighouse, Vicar of Market Pickton, “I didn’t join the Church of England to express feelings of tolerance and human love for all people before God, I joined for a sing-song and a squabble over obscure issues that have nothing to do with a clergyman’s ability to lead his congregation!”

Mr. Bighouse’s objections have also been voiced by clergy in Churches worldwide, from West Africa to West Bromwich and many agree with Dr Philip Giddings, lay minister at Greyfriars Church in Reading, who stated that “We are not free to discard what is said in the Bible, however outdated it may seem”. Churchgoers in Reading are have been asked to bring all they can for a bring-and-buy sale followed by a competition to find the ‘Least Holy Churchgoer’ before stoning them to death as a prelude to the sacrifice of a small goat, and the firstborn of the nearest rival congregation.

Rev. Bighouse quoted from The Bible in his defence: “Walk after the LORD your God,” he boomed, “and split away from His Church and complain that He has created a Bishop whom thou dost not like and for whom thou shalt forsake thy LORD.”

Despite Bighouse’s call to arms, rebels warn that if they split away from the Church as a protest at the appointment it “will lead to a split from the church.”

Meanwhile, however, the appointment of the Bishop seems to be going ahead, regardless of any support or opposition made. The one man who’s keeping his opinion on the matter quiet is the homosexual Bishop-to-be himself – little does he realise, this is the easy part, and the real challenge will be organising the carol service come Christmas.