Bush plans to paint huge black lines on Mars to make it look "more American".

The USA has unveiled plans to return George W. Bush to Mars by the year 2020, in an attempt to rid America from the status of 'Nation Most Hated by Everywhere Other Than Israel.'

Bush made a speech this week in which he outlined his new policy of Space Exploration which, he said, would "Put America firmly on the geographical Map," and his comments were later explained by official White House Press Translator Francis T. Bargle, whose presence at any speech by the President is now mandatory, following complains from the Press Corp supposed to report what Bush has been talking about.

"Basically," said Bargle, "We're sending the Pres to Mars."

Marvin Wilcox, a senior technician at Cape Canaveral, confirmed Bargle's comments, stating that "The only inaccuracy in the statement is the suggestion the President will be sent to Mars on his own. We're sending his brother Jeb up with him, and then they can rig an election to make him King of Mars. Either that or they'll both be eaten by aliens. Great plan, huh?"

Bush's far-reaching space plans don't stop at winning the Mars race, however. There are plans to send men to the Moon again and re-start the shuttle programme after Columbia disaster. "We've taken every measure to ensurificate that the disaster won't happen again," explained Bush, "We've reinforced the shuttle wing tiles, and, just to be on the safe side, every shuttle flight will be equipped with a non-uniformed Space Marshal."

There have been calls in some quarters for Bush's electioneering tactics to be adopted by Tony Blair, whose flagging public opinion ratings could do with a boost before the vote on top-up fees and the results of the Hutton Inquiry later this month. "We've got this great plan to send Tony to Mars," explained Colin Pillinger, the scientist who masterminded the failed Beagle 2 lander, "We're going to strap him to Beagle 3 to protect it during the landing phase. Last time, it cost us £1 million to develop a useless airbag."