Kerry uses the right eyebrow to show George Bush's popularity index

John Kerry has sailed to victory on "Super Tuesday", thus completing his domination of the race to become the Democrat who'll oust GWB in November.

The Democrats have been undergoing the complex process of "holding caucuses" for some weeks now. "It's an archaic term," explained KTAB's Americas correspondent, "Meaning 'to choose John Kerry as the Democratic candidate.'"

Kerry's rivals have been dropping like flies since the process started, with Howard Dean's failure attributed to his "I have a scream" speech and John Edwards losing in his own state. It is believed by many that George Bush is next on the list, due to the five years of his presidency.

"Anyway," Bighouse continued, "Most Americans don't have access to a high-quality news site like KTAB, d'you see, so they're totally in the dark as to who this John Kerry man is. With a bit of luck we in the Bush Committee to Re-elect the President can portray him as some warmongering nutcase who's out to help all his buddies and doesn't really care about the real issues affecting America today!"

"And if that doesn't work," he added, "We'll go for a dirty tricks campaign. Just like good ol' Watergate, but without some snotty journalists messing it all up by telling the dumb voters!"

The Democrats certainly have a lot to worry about, as the Kerry Campaign has only around $2 million in its bank account, whereas the Bush campaign has well over $100 million - and it's already using it to show what a great job Bush has done since he took control of the USA, after Al Gore's election.

The Bush campaign will no doubt attempt to portray Kerry as a raving leftie because he's from Massachusetts, has reasonable opinions on gay marriages and doesn't think that every last thing about that Iraq war was a great idea. However, the Kerry campaign will portray Bush for what he is because he's from Texas, wants to make gay marriages illegal and thinks that every last thing about that Iraq war was a great idea.

However, the Republicans are already seizing on Mr Kerry's shortcomings. "He may be a load better than Bush," explained Republican strategy analyst Roger Bighouse, "But he's a senator, and in his time he's cast 7,000 votes about various things - so, basically, he's contradicted himself 3,500 times, and it's my job to find out where, and nail the little son-of-a bitch."